Sports

Brunell be a stank-ass bitch baby

A giant screaming stank-ass bitch baby was born last Sunday in Jacksonville. You know this baby. This baby made Gerard Warren pay it $35,000 of shut-up money, in exchange for a wee small love tap Gerard laid on authentic bitch Mark Brunell. All Gerard Warren did was take a 10-yard running start and ram his helmet into Brunell’s face and knock his evangelical ass out cold, after the whistle. What a calamity this was, if we are to believe the lying, malcontent bitch baby. There was seemingly no end to the torrent of lies. World-famous dishrag Tom Coughlin stopped defiling transsexuals for five minutes to chant, in his Nazi battle cry, a lyric poem against America, a hate-filled ditty that goes like this: “My quarterback is a white supremacist and he likes to diddle himself, and as such can’t be expected to absorb any kind of punishment from real football players, as the balloon of spoiled milk he plugged up his butt could burst, and we can’t have him hemorrhaging all over the weird underage poo-sex party that is the Jaguars locker room.” Coughlin, your hypnotic songs of hate will not save you anymore. Your days of unorthodox sex and baby-neglect are so over.

Maybe I have oversimplified. Maybe it is not so easily boiled down. Maybe Gerard cheap-shotted Brunell. Maybe the Jaguars are not racists, kinky-sex enthusiasts, poo-partiers, America-haters, race-baiters, hatemongers. Maybe not. Maybe. It is not my place to say, or yours. Let the courts decide. Let GOD decide.

But, lo, there was a second baby, a non-bitch baby that was also born last Sunday in the hours after noon. His name is The New Thug Cleveland Browns defense. He wears his hair in an impeccable Keenan McCardell 1994-vintage slight afro, maxing out at no more than one inch. Let the world understand that this new thug baby is coming to fuck with your businesses. San Diego Chargers, it is unfortunate for you that you have been scheduled as the thug baby’s next appointment.

In other gaming news, the baseball playoffs commence within one fortnight. Die Indianers von Cleveland anticipate a best-of-seven set versus the Mariners of Seattle, a team bought with foreign monies to steal the World Series and abscond with that illustrious trophy cup to the mysterious, cloud-shrouded mountains of Orient, where it will be peed on by their most powerful wizards in order to ascertain why magical powers are trapped within America’s most beloved trophy. I think it would be a shame if these wizards were allowed to pee on the trophy. Don’t you agree?

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