Welcome adepts of the abnormal and experts in the extraordinary to Master Tim’s Psychic House o’ Laughs, where we give lifestyle advice to such distinguished clients as Michael Jackson, and . . . oh wait, it’s probably best not to get into that disaster. Suffice it to say that before that little imbroglio, “Bubbles the Chimp” was actually a well-respected New York chiropractor, but as I said, we don’t really need to get into it. Anyhow, our expert staff has prepared a special horoscope for summer Maroon readers. It’s guaranteed to be as effective as George Bush’s economic policy, so read on:
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your plans to apply for the next Survivor series get thrown for a loop when the producers discover that long ago you claimed to have once had an affair with an alien from Neptune. The affair won’t actually be the thing that gets you in trouble; the fact you’re aware of the existence of Neptune means that you have an I.Q. that’s too high to allow you to ever be on Survivor.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) You will find a high-paying summer job that will give you a great opportunity to travel to Europe and meet exciting new people. Yes, it’s a pity that you didn’t discover the Italian porn industry sooner.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) The stars suggest that you are completely and utterly doomed. Sorry. In fact, it appears that, through some colossal blunder, you will cause the universe to be completely destroyed. Look, it’s not like people didn’t warn you about trying to eat 500 Taco Bell seven layer burritos at once. Look for a Gemini to be involved in the ensuing debacle.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) According to my copy of Astrology For People Who Can’t Even Understand Dummies Books, you seek to be a peacemaker who concentrates on making other people happy through nonviolent means. This will, however, become a problem when you get your new job at the D.M.V.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Your symbol is the scorpion, and this gives you a certain venom in your dealings with people. This is not an asset, however, when supervising the fourth grade trip to Six Flags Great America. You don’t even want to know how many lawsuits you will be a defendant in.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) The stars see a great deal of happiness in your future. This is a lucky time for you in terms of romance, investing, and just about everything else. That’s actually a complete fib, and we’re just saying it to make you feel better. Pity about your upcoming exile to Antarctica.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) You will feel that your life here has reached an all time low, until you undergo a spiritual vision of the U of C’s first president, William Rainey Harper. Harper will deliver an inspirational speech that will cause you to rededicate yourself to the University’s academic ideals. He will also provide detailed instructions on how to “get your groove thang on.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 17) This horoscope item has been removed by the order of the Office of Homeland Security. I hope this makes you feel safer, because it was the only damn funny one I had.
Pisces (February 18 – March 19) You have decided to spend this summer getting away from the pressures of the school year. Unfortunately, this is the summer that your apartment will be invaded by radioactive killer tarantulas. That’ll teach you to sublet in a building close to the University BioSci lab.
Aries (March 20 – April 19) The stars suggest that this summer is a good time for you to travel. They would like you to go somewhere like North Korea, but really any place that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the United States will suit your needs.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You should consider relaxing with a good book this summer. We would like to suggest Graft and Fraud Made Easy; hey it’s all the rage on Wall Street these days. I mean, it’s not like you see Ken Lay shopping at K-Mart. Just remember to hire the proper accounting firm, and all will be well.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will unsuccessfully attempt to stop your Virgo friend’s consumption of 500 Taco Bell burritos, which will eventually lead to the destruction of the universe by enraged student activist groups. Your failure will be caused, of course, by the evil plans of Michael Jackson’s chimp, Bubbles.
(Disclaimer: This horoscope is intended for entertainment purposes only. Any other use will cause three out of five doctors to officially declare you “screwed up.”)