Q: I’m in a sexually active gay relationship. It’s clear that some of my friends are, in practice, uncomfortable with that, even if they, in the abstract, are totally cool with gay people. I would like to be able to respond to the subtle or not-so-subtle ways they voice their disapproval in a way that stands up for my behavior while also not jeopardizing friendships I nonetheless care about, but I don’t have a good way of doing that yet. Suggestions?
Anna: Sweet pea, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want the disapproving comments to stop, you need to call your friends out. Tell them that they are making value judgments that are bothering you, and that you feel that they aren’t on your side. They’ve already jeopardized your friendship by not being okay with your relationship, so you should draw a line in the sand: Change your ways, or change our relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s a true fact.
Chris: The problem is, there is very little you can do in your current situation. Some people will be uncomfortable no matter what. Eventually, they might become more or less accepting, but that requires a lot of time and effort. While it might be personally satisfying to lay down the law and tell them to “get over it or get out,” you may lose your friend for good. You don’t have to agree or accept everything about each other, but mutual respect is a must! Talk to your friend. If they cannot at least respect your lifestyle, then maybe you just weren’t meant to be friends.
Q: If I am already performing oral sex on a person, is it acceptable to move to rimming without asking extra permission?
Anna: There are a few things to consider when you’re making a move from the front to the back in terms of oral sex. If you and your partner are into rimming and do it all the time, then I’d say that it is appropriate for you to move to the back without asking permission. If you’ve never done this before, you should ask permission. It doesn’t matter if you’re already face deep in someone’s junk, you’ve got to take a minute and ask permission before you go for the anus—that’s a very personal area. At the very least, just let them know, even if you aren’t asking permission. Keep up the communication—it makes everyone happy.
Chris: Rimming should not be a spontaneous sexual act. While it could be really hot to surprise your partner with a bit of tongue action, you could end up making them uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable during sex is not only the worst feeling ever, but it could also end up putting a strain on your relationship. Before you do the act, you should make sure you both are up for it. Anyway, rimming is messy business and usually requires a lot of forethought or at least it should. If you are going to do it, I suggest a lot of washing beforehand and a good dental dam (Yes, they can be used on more than one nether region).
Q: My next-door neighbor has sex with their partner all the time and they get really loud. I can’t concentrate in my room. How can I make it stop?
Anna: You’ve got a really tough situation on your hands, what with your neighbors boning all the time. Here’s the thing: You could tune them out with headphones and deafening music, or you could give them a nudge. Don’t be rude though. I know it’s tempting to insinuate that someone must be faking something, but control yourself. Ask them politely to either keep it down or move it somewhere else. You have work to do, and they should be respectful. If they’re rude to you, tell them they can use a sock like Kim Cattrall in Porky’s to muffle the sounds. Good luck, man, we’re rooting for you.
Chris: Just because a person has a very active sex life and may be proud about it does not mean that everybody should have to hear it. While it can be weird telling somebody that they are being too vocal, if it has started to disrupt your routine, then something needs to change. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them yourself, your friendly neighborhood R.A. could do some talking for you! Otherwise, give them a taste of their own medicine, but not necessarily quite as sexual: set your speakers full blast. If they can’t keep it quiet, why should you have to? Hopefully, they’ll get the idea.
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