Kill Obscurity

By The Maroon Staff

Valentine’s Day Blows

February 14 is about to rear its ugly head once again and, oh, what’s that you say? You have a date? Happy bastard. Maybe you’re in less need of this article then. Because as my friend Josh often says, “The best kind of love is the love you give yourself.” Truer words have not been spoken. Therefore I dedicated my afternoon to search out the best in self-luvin’. If you’re going to be flying solo this V-day this is especially helpful, and even if you are a rare happy bastard you might find something here that’s useful for you and your special someone. The makings of a self-love fest come in two parts: First, the Sensualist part and then the Sexualist part.

For the Sensualists, start off by taking the Brown Line to Armitage and then walk north to Halsted where you will find Endo-Exo. The staff here is very knowledgeable and friendly. You can help yourself to high-end body products, incense, and cosmetics. Help yourself to a makeover ($40, which can be applied towards purchase) and then head up to Aroma Workshop. This place is awesome. They have tons of bath and body goodness for reasonable prices. You can custom scent body lotions, bubble bath, massage oil, and lots more using their menu of over 200 scents. You can even mix scents to make a personal scent. Buy yourself a candle here and a bath-sized tea bag and love yourself in the tub. Price range is $2-$20.

To take your relationship with yourself to the next level, take the 8 bus from Endo-Exo area, or take the Red Line to Addison, and head up to Batteries Not Included in Boystown. Here you will find vibrators ($20-60), lube, and porn, but most of all to make your “V-day blows” celebration complete they have break-up greeting cards with choice phrases to send to the person whom you resent the most. Service here is friendly, and trust me they’ve heard it all. They don’t have too much selection (especially in the latex vulva area) so if you are sincere about comparison-shopping for your auto-amorous toys go up a block to Cupid’s Treasure. Talk about selection. They sell a wide variety of lubes (they have more lube than Valvoline), vibrators of all shapes and sizes, and fake vulvas, and oh-so-much porn. They even have a replica of a human head that is disturbing as all hell on sale for $230. They even have these little vibrators that look like mini-flashlights and come in I-Mac colors. Both places sell the “rabbit” made famous by Sex and the City, anal beads, and various other toys and cards that are amusing even if you’re not in the market for a new fleshlight.

So this Valentine’s Day remember there’s no love more fulfilling than self-love and no sex that’s safer. Go get yourself some candles and scented oil; on your way home stop by Ghirardelli’s and start hoarding chocolate, pick up a pint of ice cream and prepare your lovely self a bath. Enjoy the evening as you see fit. Once again, if you are one of the lucky bastards just add someone else into all of the previous instructions.

Endo-Exo Apothecary

2034 North Halsted Street

(887) 505-ENDO (toll-free)

The Aroma Workshop

2050 North Halsted Street

(866) 778-1492 (toll-free)

Batteries Not Included

3420 North Halsted Street

(773) 935-9900

Cupid’s Treasure

3519 North Halsted Street

(773) 348-3884

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