*Friday*

I loved Spellbound last year, and someone at Fox did, too. But it’s Fox, so they had to add a twist. And by “twist” I mean “celebrities,” and by “celebrities” I mean “B-list has-beens.” People who used to be sort of famous and are now struggling to pay their bills—including Brett Butler, George Wendt, Tatyana Ali, Alice Cooper, Harry Anderson, Meshach Taylor, and Erin Brodie—will square off in what promises to be a one-laugh gag on The Great American Celebrity Spelling Bee. Big ups for including two cast members from Dave’s World, by the way. Spelling is so awesome, how could you resist such a debacle, where we get to affirm—again—that being famous isn’t the same thing as being smart. Wait, did we really think that? I didn’t. The only thing that could make this show more awesome would be Paris Hilton.

Fox, 7 p.m.

*Saturday*

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovebirds. Celebrate with the classic homage to love, Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close has the scariest perm ever, Michael Douglas has a totally androgynous child, and Anne Archer is there too, or something, but nobody cares about her. Fatal Attraction is an ’80s classic—big hair, rancid fingernails, power suits, betrayal, and violence in suburbia. Oh, and hot hot hot ’80s sex. If you’ve been thinking about cheating on your mate—and buddy, it’s Valentine’s Day, so you should stop thinking about it, asshole—this is the flick to change your mind. You might accidentally get freaky with a psycho bunny boiler. And then your sad she-male child will shriek “Bunny!” in the saddest, most pathetically acted scene ever. So yeah. High five for fidelity.

Bravo, 7 p.m.

*Sunday*

Oh holy crap, my favorite Lifetime movie is on today. That’s a tough contest, too—everyone knows that Lifetime movies are hella tight. Fifteen and Pregnant, beyond winning the clearest title award, is a gripping drama about, you guessed it, teenage pregnancy. Starring…wait for it…Kirsten Dunst. Rock it till the break of dawn, fools! Empty Nest alumna Park Overall rounds out the cast of nobodies as Dunst’s distraught madre, giving this “television for women” film achievement some hardcore gravitas. Fifteen and Pregnant is as trite as TV movies get, but it’s fun to remember that before she was raking in bazillions of dollars starring in crap like Mona Lisa Smile, Kirsten Dunst was strapped into a pregnant suit, hair all greased out, sporting some seriously unfashionable overalls. Oh, Kirsten.

Lifetime, 2 p.m.

*Monday*

I usually try to avoid recommending two shows on the same network, or two shows that are too similar, but this week, I’d be remiss if I omitted a nod to The Littlest Groom. Attention, civilization: we have bottomed out. This is it. After tonight, we go to Lord of the Flies pig-raping and conch-blowing. The Littlest Groom is a little-person marriage reality show (words I never thought I’d type), and tonight is part one of two. Glen Foster, a 23-year-old little person looking for love, will be introduced to 12 hot female little people, competing to win his heart. In part two, show execs will introduce some women of average height into the mix, just to fuck stuff up a bit. Executive producer Bill Paolantonio said that producers went to “great lengths to make sure everybody on this program is treated with dignity and respect,” but on a Fox show, that seems unlikely. Sucks to your assmar.

Fox, 7 p.m.

*Tuesday*

Degrassi: The Next Generation is without a doubt the best tweener show in TV history. No joke, Canadian shows kick ass. It deals with “issues” a billion times better than 90210, Saved by the Bell, and any after-school special combined ever did, giving new life to the Degrassi dynasty. Drugs, sex, backstabbing, popularity contests—middle school is hell, even for the well adjusted Degrassi crew. Tonight’s two-parter deals with Craig and his abusive dad and the conflict around Craig’s decision to move in with his stepfather (Joey, from the original old-skool Degrassi Junior High.) Yeah, tweener shows can be a little cheesy, but D:TNG is cheesy in an incredibly compelling, addictive way. The actors actually look like they could be in middle/high school, which sets the show apart from all other teen dramas (ahem, Andrea), and the writing is believable enough. And they’re all in Canada, so they say “sore-y” instead of “sorry,” and that’s comic gold.

Noggin, 7 p.m.

*Wednesday*

Tonight’s the night, nerdy horndogs: Seth Cohen loses his virginity on The O.C. From the promos, it looks like he loses it to Summer, too, which is some hot-ass brunette action. The real drama on tonight’s Valentine’s Day special is no doubt coming from the oh-so-narsty potential romance between Luke (gay dad) and Marissa’s mom (scary plastic surgery face, unconcerned that her younger daughter hasn’t been mentioned since this summer). Gross. Gross, gross. Are there really moms this sketch? I guess I haven’t been watching enough lately. And something happens to Jimmy, but no one will care, because his character’s utility expired after the first four episodes. Sandy (Peter Gallagher, in his absolute best role ever) doesn’t like Valentine’s Day or whatever, and hot mom Kirsten gets mad, or something, but they’ll clearly work it out, because the Cohens are a hearty bunch, and the adorable hot parents storyline will never, never get old.

Fox, 8 p.m.

*Thursday*

I have to admit that I’ve never watched the Total Living Network—I’m not much for Christian programming (except for 7th Heaven). But when I saw the listing for Holy Hormones, I couldn’t resist. Also, What The Fuck is this show? I looked up Dr. Ron Eaker, host of Holy Hormones, and he apparently wrote a book of the same title. A book that promises in its Amazon description that “approaching PMS and Menopause God’s Way offers you the tools and informaion [sic] you need to celebrate this life transition—based on the wisdom of the Bible.” Well sign me up! Convincing me that God has a PMS plan—and that it’s in the Bible—is a tall order, but I’m all ears. Can I get an amen?

TLNCHIC, 8 p.m.