Pearls of Wisdom 11-05-04

By Lila Pearl

Dear Lila Pearl,

I’ve been dating a certain young man for about two months. We have the same taste in movies and music, our sex life is good, I’m really attracted to him, and he seems like a really sweet guy. Only trouble is, last Tuesday he voted for Bush. Should I dump him? I don’t want to give up a good thing if it’s not necessary. What would you do, Lila Pearl?


Torn and Frayed

Dear Torn,

Lila Pearl understands, really she does, sometimes there’s nothing sexier than a man who’s not afraid to vote his values right down the line. Your man may seem sweet, he may seem sexy, he may be as agreeable as they come, but don’t be fooled into thinking that his vote doesn’t say something about who he is, really. Let’s not be too evasive here. Lila Pearl will be explicit for you. It may mean you won’t be able to have an abortion when you need one next summer. And he’ll be glad. It may mean 5000 more people will lose their jobs and not be able to feed their kids while your lover’s daddy puts another 50 grand into his trust fund. It may mean people everywhere will be dying so that your honey can live in an illusionary world of safety and “moral values.” (Why aren’t poverty and unjust war immoral?) Never mind, never mind.

So can you stay with him? Let’s look down the rabbit hole for guidance.

“Once upon a time there were three little sisters,” the dormouse began in a great hurry; “and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a well—”

“What did they live on?” said Alice, who always took a great interest in questions of eating and drinking.

“They lived on treacle,” said the dormouse, after thinking a minute or two.

“They couldn’t have done that, you know,” Alice gently remarked. “They’d have been ill.”

“So they were,” said the dormouse; “very ill.”

What would Lila Pearl do? We live in a fundamentalist Christian nation. Your boyfriend, along with over 50 percent of the nation, longs to stay and eat Treacle. What does Lila Pearl think? What does she ever think?

I think there we are in rats’s alley

Where the dead men lost their bones.

Hungry for bread and cheese, seeks same,

Lila Pearl

Dear Lila Pearl,

I’m really depressed about the election. My roommate suggested jogging. What do you recommend?

Yours truly,

Exercise Wary

Dear Wary,

If jogging is the answer it’s got to be all the way to Canada. But Lila Pearl heard there’s a five-year waiting list and it would be five lonely, poverty-ridden, coat-hanger abortion-full, racist, sickening (not to mention chilly as global warming and cooling sweeps the world) years. Plus, once you do get out of the country, as Bell Hicks said, “What? Leave? And be a victim of foreign policy?” Just remember, you’re not alone. Although mostly you are.


Lila Pearl

Dear Lila Pearl,

Since late Tuesday evening I’ve been feeling increasingly smug. Liberals everywhere keep giving me the evil eye but I just love my country so fucking much and I can’t keep my chortles to my self. Not that I plan on changing my behavior one way or the other, but I’m curious what you would recommend: Should I hide my glee or display it?


Patriotic and Proud

Dear P & P,

Revel. And thank God you’re at one of the few “liberal” arts colleges in America where you aren’t alone. There’s an almost overwhelming respect here among supposed left-leaning or moderate thinkers for the “conservative,” “libertarian” or “objectivist” opinion. Please, feel free, don’t return the favor. If revelry ever does fail to amuse may I recommend shooting yourself? Handguns should be cheap and plentiful.


Lila Pearl

Got a question? E-mail Lila Pearl at