A war on two fronts

By Gabriel Grossman

In recent weeks, it has come to my attention that the Pentagon is drastically changing its strategy in the war on terror and the war on drugs. Apparently, the Pentagon seems to be consolidating the two.

The current policy regarding both wars is an apparent failure. The war on terror relies on drawing out the war, straining the armed forces, leaving the army weak and striving for more forces. The situation has become hopeless enough that a draft has been proposed by a leading Democratic congressman, and will likely be voted upon come January. (You’re off to a great start, guys.)

The war on drugs, similarly, is just as inefficient. It is based on the false premise that drugs can be wiped out, that by raiding one meth lab at a time, one pot dealer at a time, the drugs will slowly but surely be weeded out of our near-perfect society.

The focal point of this shocking discovery lies in a recent article published by the beacon of hope in our heathen society: Fox News. The article’s title is self-explanatory: “Taliban Smoked Out of Pot Forest: Troops Burn Towering Afghan Pot Forest, Get Goofy.” This could potentially become the most daring foreign policy decisions of the Bush administration. It is just so ridiculous it could possibly work. The logic is there, as are undoubtedly the skeptics.

The plan is based on the idea that by burning enemies’ pot forests, both the war on terror and the war on drugs can meet a grandiose—and goofy—conclusion. The strategy works as follows:

First, burning marijuana forests would handicap the growers, and it would discourage other growers.

Second, those in the vicinity of the burning pot forests would be susceptible to the toxic fumes of the plants, creating a large atmosphere of goofiness.

Third, the enemies, after breathing in so much marijuana smoke, would lose the will to fight and, if anything, would get a raving appetite. Time to export Olive Garden.

Fourth, it is common for those under the influence of marijuana to become more carefree, friendlier. Assuming that this is true, the terrorists and the soldiers would, even after getting goofy, possibly even get along. Just as the Allies and the Axis Powers shared Christmas peacefully in December of 1914, the terrorists and coalition soldiers could share a bag of Funyuns, or whatever it is they have to quench the munchies over there.

This can work—given the right timing, the right planning, and the right marijuana, the Pentagon can hit two birds with one stone. If anything, it would be more effective than the current policies.