SPORTS

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May 18, 2001

I hate the Charlotte Whore-Nets cuz they iced Bobby Phills

Does anyone in the fucking world like the Charlotte Hornets? Because I sure as fuck don't, and I have a hard time believing that anyone anywhere has ever liked the Charlotte Hornets.

Let's look at some notable assholes who have played for the Charlotte Whore-Nets over their storied history: Larry Johnson. Alonzo Mourning. Derrick Coleman. Vlade Divac. Eddie Jones. Jamal Mashburn. PJ Brown. Anthony Mason. Baron Davis. Bobby Phills. David Wesley. Dell Curry. Rod von Hugenstein. These people all have one thing in common. They are all black. Except for Vlade Divac and Rod von Hugenstein, both of whom are imaginary.

Some people out there will tell you that Vlade Divac is a real person who plays center for the Sacramento Kings. Those people are lying to you. Robots and holograms is what I say. You ever see Total Recall? The part where Arnold is inside the big-ass robotic fat bitch? If you run Vlade Divac through a X-ray machine, you will be schooled that he just like the beardo Serbian version of that fat robo bitch. There some little skinny black dude in there. That's how Divac slang so snap. Ain't no greased-down Yugo motherfucker gonna be a slanging big man like he was Brad Daugherty. Only little skinny black dudes got that 99 offensive awareness shit. People say P-Dong, micro on Arvydas Sabonis. Ain't no robot bieyeitch. He slang. Vydas slang hard. He ain't no robo fats, says disbelieving reader of P-Dong. P-Dong would pose the following: How the fuck you know? For all you and P-Dong know, he Zangief from that Street Fighter Alpha IIX Turbo Dong. Except P-Dong know. P-Dong done been with that shit all along. Sabonis = fat robo bitch too. You lose. Twice.

So y'all would like to be edified as to how exactly this can be catalyzed into P-Dong's hate for the Whore-Nets. Tell you what. The Whore-Nets did that shit to Vlade just like Wolverine. P-Dong see. P-Dong know. Rest assured. Sabonis just come that way, Soviet old-timey military shits like that Gun Jack. But they messed on Vlade. Hornets mess hard.

Point #2, Whore-Nets iced Bobby Phills. Bobby Phills one of P-Dong personal heroes from P-Dong school days. Get out the old-timey NBA Live, and examine the 1-9-9-6 Cleveland Killa Cavaliers. You got Mills comma Chris. You got Hill(z) comma Tyronious. You got Phills comma Bobby. You got ills, ills, ills. Then I got chills comma running up my leg into the moisture farm. Uncle Owen and that Aunt Beru be eroticized as "oh damn." Only thing that compete be that White Boy Washington Bullets with Hollywood Maclean, Sex Chaps, Jimmy Max, Scotty Skills and Tom Too Tall Googs. I respect that club. But they just are not, never ever never, theMills Hillz Phills Ills. Ain't nobody.

So Charlotte understand that. They jack Phills. Mills gone too. Hillz soon to follow. No mo ills. So Charlotte try to harness Phills. He killing machine. Like Predator. He go invisible with the dreadlocks. Then he eat your brain. Except Phills not down with Whore-Nets. He was gonna bail like Pac from Death Rizzo. Suge Knight kill that Pac, Whore-Nets kill that Phills. Send David MF Wesley out to get him. He certainly killer fat bitch robot like Vlade too. Respect that Phills not gonna run like a robo bitch familiar with.

So Phills gets into crayzie James Bond McGuyver shits with killa fat robo bitch on the freeway. Phills is only one man though. Can't stop the Terminator, not even in no Porsche. Phills go all Chief Joseph on that, I will fight fat robo bitch no more forever starting now. So Robo-Dick fucking hits Bobby P with his rocket launcher shits, put him down, cover it up like a traffic accident.

Now Whore Town North Carolina try to wreck Milwaukee. P-Dong like Milwaukee. Sam Cassell might be one ugly motherfucker. He look like mummified rat-man, according to P-Dong's analysts. But Rat-Man is good people. Even if he undead. Good people is good people, so sayeth the Gospel of P-Dong Temple. Serve notice to Whore Town: Do not tamper with the Rat-Man. He better than all that. I been with Rat-Man all along.