ARTS

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September 19, 2001

I WANT TO SLEEP WITH ELIZA DUSHKU

Because I am a man. Because she was born in Boston. Because she wears cheerleader outfits. Because she is of Romanian lineage, I think. Because she is a brunette. Because she is a sassy brunette. Because she is in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Because she gets third billing. Because of that face she makes in the screen test for Bring It On. That face. Not because of Buffy, but because of everything else. That face, the face she makes towards the end of the wardrobe test for Bring it On — that face — a thousand ships is not enough. Because she mispronounces “ogling" (with regard to her “goodies") after Jan mispronounces it earlier in Bring it On — pronouncing it, incidentally, so that it has asonance with images.google.com, which Eliza also taught me to love. Because Watertown High has produced few graduates of her caliber. Because of that scene when Jan, Les, and Kirsten Dunst drive up in the little truck and we see Eliza in her uniform for the first time, and she's initially self-conscious, but once Kirsten starts (so cute!) shouting “SEXY MAMA!" and “TAKE IT OFF!" she — Eliza, of course — starts with a coy little coquettish grin, only to drop the self-consciousness and start a boogie to Blaque's “As If." Because it takes a lot to upstage Kirsten Dunst, who even stole scenes from Brad Pitt — multiple scenes. Because she loves the Marlins. Because of the concern and care she shows for poor Torrance Shipman when Courtney and Whitney are trying to steal the squad from her. Because she had the razzmatazz to drive Torrance to East Compton High to show her that reality is stickier than expected. Because with me, reality would be stickier than expected. Because she not only upstaged Kirsten Dunst, but also Sarah Michelle Gellar (remember, this is Sarah “you can put it anywhere" Michelle Gellar). Because she can say “Nomah" with a straight face. Because she can say “Peckah" with a straight face. Because I love her straight face, but her pouting face even more. Because both her names end in vowels that aren't e. Because her first name would net you 17 points in Scrabble. Because we were inverted. Because she understands. Because… well, look at the damn picture.

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