SPORTS

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February 1, 2002

SUPER BOWL XXXVI

In accordance with Maroon tradition, the staff here at the school fishwrap have answered a few questions about the upcoming game. Enjoy (maybe).

1. Who will win and what will be the exact score?

2. Bledsoe or Brady?

3. How many of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (Death, Pestilence, Famine, War) and which ones will it take for New England to win?

4. Best reason to watch the Super Bowl.

5. Describe the perfect halftime show.


Moacir Pranas de Sá Pereira

Voices Meme Engineer

1. Patriots 26, Rams 24. Bill Belichick is part of the East-Coast, Boarding-School (Phillips Academy, what!), Military-Industrial Media Hegemony. His defense will swarm, as Ice Cube says, on any motherfuckers in a blue uniform.

2. This is a tough call, as I'm a long-time Bledsoe listener, first-time Brady caller. A friend compared this to Vaughn and Harris —Skip goes with Harris because his potential downside is smaller compared to Vaughn—though the same is true with the upside. I'll say this much, though: Bledsoe's touchdown last week literally made me flush with ardor. And that floater he dropped to Troy Brown made my cheeks go rosy. Like, shower-nozzle-masturbation-material rosy.

3. Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? I thought the Raiders were eliminated already…. But seriously, folks, I would argue that famine would be enough, but then Warner would just resort to his stash of Chunky soup. The point is, though, that the Rams are Satan's team, so they're cutting deals with Lucifer. Jesus has money on the Pats. +14, what! Pay attention.

4. Two years ago, it was the shots of Warner's freakishly-alluring wife. This time around, I just want to watch some fun-loving guys out on the field having fun. You know, and by know, I mean know that the music from The Natural is going to start with a minute left and the Pats driving, down by one. Vinatieri comes in. Boom Boom Shaka Laka Boom Boom. The football tears through the protective netting and knocks the dentures out of that irritating Rams fan who has been accidentally flogging his wife with his Rams scarf all day long. Natural music, lights exploding, the stadium gets overrun by freaks and hippies spilling over from the French Quarter. It'll be like the end of Victory — the whole crowd shouts "Vic-toire! Vic-toire!" and then a Cajun version of Carol Laure and her child will throw a cloak over an injured Teddy Bruschi (now only responding to "Hatch" and "Marth"), while smuggling him away from the overwhelming press presence (here taking the role of the Nazis). Then. Then, they're going to EuroDisney. Le Mickey Mouse, what! Walter Benjamin has your back, what!

5. We start with the Clovers and the Toros. There's a lot of unsaid stuff between Torrance and Isis that was cut from the movie, namely how they both go on to Berkeley and compete for squad captain there. Me, I like Cliff, the "punk anthropology" major. Typically, and under normal circumstances, that would be enough. But one has to remember that the Patriots never planned to come back for the second half! They were planning on crawling through the sewer and swimming down the Seine to a Résistance safehouse. But then Ty "Michael Caine" Law says, "We can do this. We can win this." And David "Péle" Patten sez, "Give the ball to me, I'll run here, and then here, and then here, and then score." They come back out, score some goals and bring the score up to 4-4. Then, with time winding down, the Nazis will get a Penalty Kick and, get this, BRUSCHI SAVES! JESUS SAVES! FREE TACO BELL! FREE MUMIA! +14 WHAT!?!


Pete

Voices Jungfrau

Catholics 15, Albigensians 14.

Replace Catholics with "Patriots" and Albigensians with "Rams." Football isn't supposed to be exciting. It is supposed to ugly and cruel, and Pope Innocent III, and by that I mean Bill Belichick, seems to be the only person left on Earth who understands that. Mike Martz will be playing the role of Pierre de Castelnau, which means he is going to get assassinated by Richard Seymour/Raymond VI of Toulouse.

The whole Harris-Vaughn metaphor just doesn't work. I want it to work, but it just doesn't work. You can make a case for either Bledsoe or Brady as Harris, or as Vaughn. A better metaphor is Bledsoe-Brady as Kelder-Vaughn. But then last week makes zero sense. So. But THEN you can drop that construction and look at the regular season as Kelder-Vaughn, and then look at last week as Harris-Vaughn, with Brady now playing the role of Harris, and Bledsoe, the original Kelder, is now Vaughn, who used to be Brady. But I prefer to look at it as Brady as curveball specialist, Steve Jackson and Bledsoe as The Duke, who once threw at his own kid in a father-son game.

See Moacir's response.

Je ne pas parle francais.

AC/DC.


Margaret and Jen

Damned twats who pay no attention to the Manly Sports.

1. Who's in it?

(The Rams and the Patriots)

Jen: Patriots

Margaret: I was rooting for the Ravens because they were on HBO all summer.

2. Jen: Brady.

Margaret: Bledsoe.

Drew is a good name.

3. Jen: Famine only.

Margaret: Death and War.

4. Jen: I like U2 but that's not why. Uh, the party. I like the party part.

Margaret: Maybe I could learn something about football, other than what I know from Backyard Football.

5. Margaret: Rematch between Toros and Clovers from Bring it on.

Jen: Live-action version of that thing from drive-in movies where the hot dogs dance and all are encouraged to visit the concession stand. Wait, no, better yet — best halftime would BE a drive-in movie, except without cars and with bleachers. Everyone at the Super Bowl could watch a movie and outtakes from the Super Bowl commercials. The movie could even be a musical (or not, as the case may be). And, yeah, I like the singing food part...


Jihae Hong

Special to the Maroon

1. Oh. The Rams. New England is so disgusting. I don't like England. New England people like looking at Greek statues. They listen to that one guy on NPR with a disgusting Irish name. I don't think it's Irish. I am sure they are Irish but they try to be Egyptian. Didn't he die? (Points to picture of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.)

No, his son died.

Was he from Georgia?

No, North Carolina.

Is that part of the South

Yes.

2. One of them is cute, right?

Yes.

The ugly one should win.

Brady is the cute one.

OK. No, I want the uglier one.

So Bledsoe? He's not ugly per se.

Oh man, he should be more in the game then. Does he have a mustache? He should grow one. Before the game. Not a goatee or anything. A mustache.

3. The pale horse, because he appears in Tombstone.

4. When is the Super Bowl on?

Sunday.

I don't know. I don't think you should watch it. I would watch it if they would condense it into 30 minutes of only the action, like on ESPN.

5. I think it should be a fashion show, like from Zoolander. Did you see that? Do you know what I am talking about?


Hannah Major-Monfried

Managing Editor, Crankpot

1. Um, although I want New England to win, I think that the Rams will win and that the score will be 36-25.

2. David Cone.

3. Well, I have to say I think the Four Horsemen would be playing for the Rams and not the Patriots, there is something sinister about the Rams, while the Pats seems somewhat wholesome, if not hapless.

4. Well, the only reason I have given time to football is because there is no baseball on. But I have been very impressed with the level of violence in football. It is more like a soap opera than baseball.

5. I think I missed the perfect halftime show, which involved Britney Spears. I can't think of anything more boring than U2. Um, can you take out all the ums and wells? Come on. Maybe they could bring in the two worst football teams and have them do a mock Super Bowl.

They could call it the Toilet Bowl.

They should call it the Toilet Bowl. But I suppose that might be supremely humiliating.


Phil Kim

Sports Presidente

1. St. Louis will beat New England by a score of 3 goals to nil in what will turn out to be the ultimate confirmation to all American football curious people around the world from Punjab to Pyong Yang, that football is in fact predominantly played with the hands.

2. Brady because he really used to play football in the Brady Bunch.

3. For New England to win, they will need a combination of red cards for the Rams, favorable offside decisions, dubious penalties, and a pitch invasion by their fans.

4. The best reason to watch the Super Bowl is because your roommate is probably American.

5.The perfect halftime show would be Tyson versus Lewis.


Tim Miller

Viewpoints Redaktor

1. Rams, 45-10. I love the Patriots, really, I do. They knocked off the Raiders, who I hate. But the Rams have been the team of destiny all season long. Plus, Baltimore, the team that occupies my home state of Maryland, was knocked out of the AFC play-offs, so I'm naturally biased against the rest of that conference. The ghost of the living Ray Lewis curses the Pats to blowout-dom.

2. Bledsoe. He's got the experience and Brady is way overrated.

3. All four horsemen plus a good fourth quarter performance by the Archangel Gabriel.

4. The best reason to watch the Super Bowl is for the commercials. Report has it that Budweiser and nostalgia ads are big this year. There's nothing that takes me back more than an alcoholic beverage. The past is much less painful when viewed drunk — I think Stephen Ambrose said that, or maybe he just copied someone else. In any case, come for the game, stay for the booze commercials.

5. The perfect halftime show would be former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev lip-singing to the latest Eminem album. And Dick Cheney skydiving in for a duo grand finale.


Ben O'Glasser

Sports Hofrat

1. Can one really win a football game? No matter what, someone comes out of the ordeal all bloodied. Is it really beneficial to play the game with the referees, either? It is like kindergarten all over again, with you playing a game until teacher comes and tells you to stop, or someone is doing something wrong, or some other business like that. I maintain there are no winners, only immature, impossibly rich people, irregardless of who scores more points. I predict that the Rams will score 42 of said points. The range of scores possible for the Patriots is [0, 41). I predict they will hit 25.

2. The real question is, "Does it really matter?" I don't think so! Whoever starts will not start the second half. They will be fried like a Hannukah Latke. Both men look really greasy already, so the frying should work.

3. I don't really believe in all that jazz. I think it will take the entire St. Louis Rams team deciding to up and leave, and go become missionaries in Las Vegas for the Patriots to win.

4. To get my last peek at what NFL plays I should use in the new football computer game "Madden 2002". I like to play that game, but it is detrimental to my work ethic. Rodrigo, you should delete it from your computer so that I cannot play it anymore. Marshall Faulk is really good in that game. I was playing yesterday and I accidentally made him dive. But he got up before anyone touched him and ran like 42 yards for a score. Then I ran with him 75 yards for another score later in the game. It was fun, but I should have been doing my laundry.

5. My RA last year, Tamara, used to be a synchronized swimmer. I think that it would be really funny if they got a big swimming pool and wheeled it out onto the field during halftime. They could get synchronized swimmers to do their synchronized stuff while they swam. It would be really funny, because nobody would really understand the switch from football to synchronized swimming, because the overlap in fan bases is almost nonexistent. Then I think that there should be a Supreme Court hearing to follow up the swimmers. I don't really care what sort of case it would be, but I think that the Supreme Court is cool, and they don't get enough credit for having an awesome job. Then, we could keep them on the field for the second half and if there was any dispute between the players or coaches and the referees, the Supreme Court could decide who was right and who was wrong. We could even get lawyers into the act by helping to persuade the justices about the validity of their cases.