Finally, someone is willing to take a stand against all the mealy-mouthed and hypocritical liberals who pride themselves on being "part of the Hyde Park community." I refer, of course, to The Somebodies, the only candidates willing to admit the unspoken premise upon which even those who would never own to it implicitly act. University of Chicago students are fundamentally better people than other residents of the South Side.
Oh, I can hear the gasps of horror already from the College Democrats and the Democratic Socialists, from the left and the center and even the right, and from all who consider themselves committed to some nebulous "social justice." Well, Aristotle says that justice means giving each his due, and the only candidates in this year's election seeking anything approximating the Aristotelian good are The Somebodies.
What, you may wonder, have these paragons of human virtue done to earn such high honors? Dear reader, what a question! The Somebodies propose to give us virtuous students the private shuttle to the Garfield stop of the Red Line that we are due. You look disappointed. You thought I was building to something more climactic, no doubt. What's so special about a shuttle anyway? We already have the 55, and it isn't so inconvenient.
Fool! Convenience is the furthest thing from my mind. My great-grandparents didn't immigrate to this country, and my parents didn't work three jobs and suffer all forms of privation for me to wait on a street corner in the rain, surrounded by every jobless scoundrel, every teenage mother, every junky gangbanger, waiting to be packed into a bus like clichés into an adolescent's poetry.
Ah, and you thought the shuttle was a safety issue. Well, you can't be blamed, for wiser minds than yours have fallen for this ruse. The Somebodies know their constituents well, and claims like mine wouldn't sit well alongside the hummus in the stomachs of the would-be radicals around here. If asked, they'll probably deny any endorsement of my views. I would expect nothing less from them. But, you see, safety couldn't be less of an issue here. Do you really think that watching 20 preppy white kids climb onto their private shuttle, while everyone else waits in the bitter cold, is likely to dampen the violent impulses that animate the wretches among whom we live? If you think that riding the bus with the Epsilons is dangerous, wait until we refuse to ride with them. You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Don't mistake my concerns about safety as criticisms of the proposal. Courage means doing what is right even when there is danger involved. None of us is worthy of our elite status if we allow ourselves to be intimidated by the violence that is the only weapon of the wretched of the earth, who possess neither our intelligence nor our virtue. A few UCPD, stationed at the Garfield stop, should keep us safe until our chariot arrives.
For too long we've allowed the slave morality of Marxist professors and Christian doctrine to turn us from that is rightfully ours. The University of Chicago is an elite university. We've all worked hard since pre-school to build our résumés and earn admittance to this hallowed institution. Our parents have worked hard to pay our tuition. I, for one, refuse to be told any longer that my success is a product of privilege, and that the only thing separating me from the dregs of society is luck and opportunity. This year, vote for The Somebodies and take your rightful place among the cream of the crop. You've earned it.