ARTS

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April 2, 2002

Dear Diary

BASEBALL

Look, no matter how badly you want to invent sexual tension between Tatum O'Neal and Walter Matthau in The Bad News Bears, it's not there. It's not there. Let it go, Indiana.

UNREQUITED LOVE

The best kind in my opinion. Porque e-e-everything you want never lives up to your prerationalized expectations of what it should be. Except for money and precious gems. And possibly sex. But love is a battlefield. And on every battlefield there are deserters. And dying horses. And probably dead horses. And other horses mourning the dead and dying horses. And priest horses administering the last rites of the Horse-Catholic church to those dead and dying horses, some of whom are delirious. All of this can be traced back to that one scene in Return of the Jedi when the (apparent) one Ewok casualty of the "battle" of Endor is banished to Ewok Hades by one of the AT-ST walkers. El compañero de este Ewok está muy cansado porque el Ewok primero se murió. Hay muchas cosas que nuestros Ewoks to cry about. There are a lot of things to cry about everyday of my life, and frankly I don't think that ever crossed your mind.

OTRA VEZ

An _______ to Miss or Mister ____ _____

I have _______ to say __ you YES that much is _____

But I ____ to buy you _____ in the hope THAT you will _____ with me

If you don't _____ the _____ BUT still want to ______

I think you should _____ it anyway

I don't ____ about your complexion

That means: Terrorists Win!

I don't care if you drink the coffee or pour it into your ___ Scalding your ____

But I _____ about _____

Are you going to put my _____ in your ______?

Kirby Dar Dar

Kirby

Jiggly Puff

Sean Puffy Combs

Sean Bean

Beans

Black Beans

Refried Beans

Billy Beane(s)

Billy Goats

Regular Goats

Goat doctors

People doctors

People Magazine

The Nation

The Nation of Islam

The Nation of Domination

Dominatrices

Matrices

Mrs. Morton

Josef Tito

Franz Josef

Josef Stalin

Joseph Smith

Brigham Young

Steve Young

Young MC

Young Indiana Jones

Old Indiana Jones

Han Solo

Lando Calrissian

Bob Dylan

My dad

Your dad

Medical science

Creationism

Creation records

Hipsters

Pants

My pants

My faith

My Heaven

My Blue Heaven

Your Blue Heaven

My blue shirt

My moral compass

Terrorists Win!

Stonewall Jackson

Shoeless Joe Jackson

Joe Jackson

Jack Johnson

John Paul Jones

Indiana Jones

Gary, Indiana

Gary Condit

Sic transit gloria

You bet I will

Free Will by Rush

Roll the Bones by Rush

My bones

My body

My blood

My fingers

My nose

My boogers

My world