OP-EDS

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April 25, 2003

A typology of U of C boys

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days. Good movie. The sequel should be How to Get a Girl in One Night. See, most guys can?t hit on girls without looking like fools. I realize the difficulty; girls are moody and unpredictable, but thankfully you only figure that out after you?ve been dating one for a few months. So after listening to countless stories and observing boys at parties, I?ve compiled a list of personalities that men use to score. Some work, some don?t, you?ll just have to try them out and let me know which one worked for you.

There are about four types of guys at parties: ?Chad? (Super Confident), ?Jerry? (Goofy Idiot), ?Mark? (Friendly), and ?Zach? (The Jerk). These men are your friends and enemies; they hit on your girls, and somehow always manage to take onegirl home. This handy guide will help you turn a conversation into something a little more?assuming you are able to start a conversation with a girl in the first place.

Chad: Chad always has a big smile and ready conversation. He can hit on any girl because all he does is talk about himself. Sound familiar? If you?re a tad egotistical, then flaunt your strengths but make sure that the girl is interested in them. It?s better to talk about your award-winning painting rather than throwing the winning touchdown at last week?s IM football game. Do you pride yourself on knowing lots of people? Introduce her to people you?re friends with who can talk you up.

Jerry: You?re funny. That?s your thing, so think like Chandler on Friends and crack a joke or two. Don?t make fun of her (that really pisses us off), but do tell her humorous stories that make you look good and your friends look goofy. Don?t attempt any crazy tricks, like climbing to the top of Ryerson. That doesn?t impress us, unless it?s Mount Everest. Also, if you throw in a few serious twists, she?ll think you?re funny and deep, always a good duo. Don?t use guy humor though, be gentle and tasteful in your jokes and physical contact is encouraged (yes, casually touching her shoulder is part of the joke).

Mark: Mark is one of the many drowning in an ocean of nice guys. The key to rising to the top is to be super-nice. Now I know that there is a lot at stake, mainly your money and time, but give it a try. If you want to buy her a drink, don?t do it right away. After chatting with her for a while, tell her you?re going to the bar and would she care for anything? If she offers you money, just casually say you?ve got it covered. Don?t wink at her. That?s sleazy. A couple more of those and she?ll be putty in your hands. One thing to avoid is the ?Last Guy Standing? syndrome. It?s when you?re talking to a girl, then another guy comes up to her, sweeps her away, and you?re just chilling in the corner with a warm Icehouse. You can avoid this by standing in less crowded places, moving frequently, being more interesting than the meathead chatting her up, and having a crew of guys to back you up if you get ditched.

Zach: Zach is last for a reason. He is a jerk. He?s just a little too funny, a little too cocky, and a little too good-looking for his own good. Zach is the guy that girls want to slap but somehow he always gets the hot one. Why? Jerks are funny, interesting, and infuriating, and we like that. We want a guy who keeps us on our toes, and a guy with knocking quips definitely has a leg up on the competition. I?m not advocating that you actually become a jerk for the rest of your relationship with a girl, but acting cool in the beginning will definitely have her interested. Plus, when you show your nice guy side, she?ll think you?re incredibly nice compared to the insensitive man you were when you two first met. Having had this approach work successfully on me, I can say that utilizing humor is the most effective way to accomplish this: then using your catty exchanges to foray into friend territory, and then asking her on a date. Be prepared, however, for her to proudly announce to her friends that she transformed you from an asshole into a loving, caring guy. She didn?t; you just realized that you had to be nice if you wanted to keep your girlfriend.

If none of these types work for you, then work on getting really jacked. At least you?ll get the flaky girls for a night or two.