May 9, 2003

Are they really dating?

Through random bits of gossip and bouts of people-watching, I've observed an interesting occurrence in the social circles here at the U of C. Fake dating. Yes, I am coining a new phrase: "fake dating." What is fake dating? It's when you say you're dating someone, and you're not.

You might be saying, "Who does that?" Well, a lot of people. The following examples show the creative applications that these people have used while faking it. Maybe you'll recognize some.

Scenario One: Girl asks Boy to come to dinner. Next week, Girl sees Boy and goes to Jimmy's together. Girl then asks Boy to events, dinners, etc, etc. Boy likes Girl as a friend, but doesn't want to date. Boy finds out that Girl has told everyone that they hooked up and are dating. Poor Boy. Apparently, Girl thought that she and Boy were dating, but in reality, she was just his celibate sugar momma. It works out nicely for the guy until he tells her that he doesn't want to date her. Girl isn't the most rational of women and will flip out, say she's been used, and bash him with her friends until dawn. Maybe she'll learn the rule that if you haven't kissed him yet, he's probably not your boyfriend.

Scenario Two: Boy and Girl have a tumultuous relationship together in that they have kissed twice during fall quarter, only for Girl to discover that Boy has a girlfriend. Girl dismisses Boy ASAP, then Boy dumps girlfriend, apologizes profusely, and proceeds to harass Girl at every possible moment. His typical questions are, "Where are you going? Who are you with? When will you be back? Why don't we talk anymore? Walk me home...please...(even though I am a big strong guy who is obviously not going to get mugged as I walk to 56th and University)." Girl, obviously annoyed with obsessive, needling Boy who is Velcro-ed to her leg, doesn't know how to get rid of him. If you've got a bad case of the burrs, set that boy straight by telling him you're not his caretaker. If he wants to date you, he better shape up and take you to dinner (not at the Med) to make up for his ridiculous behavior.

Scenario Three: Actually an amusing anecdote, one slick freshman commented, "Yeah, and then she called me and was like 'I'm breaking up with you,' and I was like, "We're not even dating!" Don't let this happen to you; make sure that all of your friends know that you are not dating any of them.

Scenario Four: Employed by bitter ex girl/boyfriends, this one is always a kicker. "Chris" makes up a story to spite his/her ex "Ty." Chris says he is dating someone of a higher social rank than Ty, and hopes that Ty will think, "Why did I ever break up with Chris?" However, even Jell-O is smoother than Chris because Ty is friends with Chris's supposed partner. In a classic Ross-Rachel case, Chris is humiliated when Ty blows Chris' cover after talking to the fake partner. Honestly, that's never going to work, especially here. Due to the smallness of this school, your reasonably well-connected fake girlfriend will find out about your lies and think you are really weird. You definitely don't want to be "that" guy.

Our last scenario is the worst: Leading on a guy so you can make your ex or current (neglectful) boyfriend jealous. Regardless of whether you do anything physical with him, it hurts the guy you're leading on and won't accomplish your original goal. Either your boyfriend will dump you because he suspects you're cheating on him or your ex will think that you're over him and force himself to get over you. That leads me to the creation of Dating Commandment #1: You're only allowed to mess with your ex's head after you've fully gotten over him.