SPORTS

  /  

January 30, 2004

Super Bowl XXXVIII Spectacular

Media and NFL executives have always been terrified of a small market team going to the Super Bowl, but, like it or not, lil' ol' Carolahhhna is alive and well in Houston. While grumpy, whiney New Yorkers are already dubbing Super Bowl XXXVIII "the Boring Bowl," the rest of the country (especially New England) seems perfectly happy to savor once more the ever-dramatic battle between David and Goliath. The Chicago Maroon recently took to the streets to ask six completely random people the following questions about this year's Patriots-Panthers showdown:

1) Pat Patriot goes wandering through the woods at two miles per hour at 4:00 in the afternoon, and Bagheera the Carolina Panther leaves two hours later, stalking him at a brisk five miles per hour. When the two meet, who will be killed, and what will the score be?

2) In the name of all that is righteous and true, why has the NFL given the people of Houston the chance to host the Super Bowl?

3) Who of the following is a member of the Carolina Panthers? Why or why not?

a) Howard Dean

b) Carolina Bolado

c) Dennis Kucinich

d) Jake Delhomme

e) Rush Limbaugh

4) You are considering bedding down with either Tom Brady or Matt Damon. Whom do you ultimately choose and why?

5) Would your Super Bowl experience be more complete with or without John Madden as the television color man? Why?

*Christopher Meeske*

1) Well, the key is really in the context of the stalking. Given that it's an election year, and that the Patriots are playing in Houston, a city in the "great" state of Texas, home of our "beloved" "president," I think the Panthers really don't have a chance. Especially if the Pats succeed in praying to the weather gods hard enough for it to start snowing.

2) As I've already hinted, I have little love for the fetid, barren wasteland that is Texas. I'm pretty sure that the NFL was promised some sort of "Get-Out-of-Hell-Free" card in exchange for this. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Republican Party and/or Charles Montgomery Burns were also involved.

3) Really, there's only one choice here. Carolina is obviously on the Panthers staff, for a wide variety of reasons. First, the name thing. I mean, come on, that can't be a coincidence. Second, Carolina (the person) likes making the life of Dan Ankeles (the Pats fan/sports editor) difficult. Carolina (the team) would like nothing more than making the life of the Pats (as a sports team) difficult. Third, she could, without hyperbole, take out everyone else on this list. She's about 3-foot 8, and her low center of gravity is a scary thing on the football field. Broken knees are a specialty.

4) Matt Damon, simply because, heterosexual man that I may be, he's pretty good looking. I mean, I'm not passionately in love with either man, and I'd have to go with the boyish good looks of Mr. Damon. We'd probably make a pretty cute couple, actually. His chiseled jaw line, my deep blue eyes… I'm sorry, what was the question?

5) With all due respect to his life, career, and family, Madden's gone completely senile in the last four or so seasons. I shudder at the thought of having to put up with one more year of his inane babble about how the team with more rushing yards has a good running game and how a quarterback can't afford to get sacked with two minutes left in the fourth. Please, friends and family of John Madden, put him in an old-folks home.

*George Anesi*

1) New England goes down 4-3 in game seven after Aaron Boone hits an extra-inning walk-off homer. Wait, wrong sport.

2) Drugs is the only reasonable explanation. The NFL obviously got a hold of whatever those crazy Minnesotans were smoking when they put Jesse Ventura into office. Texas, a state in which "four out of five dentists support the death penalty" (The Onion), clearly deserves neither the honor nor the opportunity to host the Super Bowl. If Texas has its way, players who pat each other on the ass will be thrown in prison, and we'll see a few lethal injections during the halftime show. Texas, just secede already damnit—no one will stop you.

3) Obviously, Ms. Bolado. This sassy Cuban has her way on the field with men four or even eight times her size. Plus, she's from Miami—where the Super Bowl should be played.

4) Tom Brady…I've seen him in spandex.

5) John Madden?! Who cares about John Madden! I say bring back Dennis Miller. His Monday Night Football commentary was legendary. How else can you get equal fills of football talk and Gadaffi jokes at the same time? Football is about violence, beer, and immature masculinity. Who else to better present that atmosphere than a man with no inhibitions and no mercy?

*Carolina Bolado*

1) New England goes down 4-3 in game seven after Aaron Boone hits an extra-inning walk-off homer. Wait, wrong sport.

2) Drugs is the only reasonable explanation. The NFL obviously got a hold of whatever those crazy Minnesotans were smoking when they put Jesse Ventura into office. Texas, a state in which "four out of five dentists support the death penalty" (The Onion), clearly deserves neither the honor nor the opportunity to host the Super Bowl. If Texas has its way, players who pat each other on the ass will be thrown in prison, and we'll see a few lethal injections during the halftime show. Texas, just secede already damnit—no one will stop you.

3) Obviously, Ms. Bolado. This sassy Cuban has her way on the field with men four or even eight times her size. Plus, she's from Miami—where the Super Bowl should be played.

4) Tom Brady…I've seen him in spandex.

5) John Madden?! Who cares about John Madden! I say bring back Dennis Miller. His Monday Night Football commentary was legendary. How else can you get equal fills of football talk and Gadaffi jokes at the same time? Football is about violence, beer, and immature masculinity. Who else to better present that atmosphere than a man with no inhibitions and no mercy?

*Margaret Lyons*

1) As a math T.A., I need to point out that our first step must be drawing a picture. Let's draw a little diagram of what's happening after one hour. After two? So let t equal time, and write an equation in terms of t for each mascot's position. The equation for Pat is P(t)=2t, and the equation for Bagheera is B(t)=5(t-2), where the domain for B is 2