The Republicans are desperately seeking a new strategy for victory in 2008 and, as their self-appointed strategist, this political junkie and armchair campaign manager has a novel idea that will in fact allow the GOP to retain the White House. Considering the various factors currently keeping the Republicans’ morale and hopes for victory down, it might seem preposterous that this Massachusetts liberal has found a life preserver for his opponents. We all know the problems facing the Republicans: They are intensely divided over the issues of immigration, spending, and taxes; the three major frontrunners all have antagonistic relationships with their party’s base and socially liberal pasts; and, worst of all, President Bush continues to drag the GOP down with his slipping approval numbers (and the incumbent party always loses the White House when the incumbent is unpopular, even if he is a lame duck like Bush). Bush and the war in Iraq hang like an albatross around them.
Fear not, Republicans, I shall exorcise this vast demon from your party; I shall vanquish that albatross around your neck. My solution is simple and dastardly, a feat of Rovian proportions. Simply impeach President Bush and Vice President Cheney, making Nancy Pelosi the president of the United States. While it might seem like I have gone mad, the idea actually makes a lot of sense. Congressional Democrats have been saying for years that Bush and Cheney have broken the law and committed high crimes and misdemeanors on several occasions, notably in the period leading up to the war and in post–9/11 abuses of executive authority. All the Republicans have to do is agree with the Democrats, appoint the necessary panels and commissions to gather the evidence, hold the trial, vote guilty, and the GOP will be saved. Seen by the American public as the selfless saviors of the republic—the party that put principles over politics to work with Democrats to save the country—the GOP’s image will improve drastically. What better way to distance the party from the Bush administration and all its baggage than by putting it out of its misery?
The GOP can also distance itself from all the Bush mistakes, wash its hands clean of Iraq, Katrina, Plamegate, the United States Attorney firings, the illegal wiretaps—all that awful stuff. More importantly, this puts Democrats on the spot; in fact, if anything, the last thing Democrats want is for Bush to be impeached since it means that their prospects are dimmed. But if the Republicans start the impeachment process, the Democrats will be forced to go along, or else face the wrath of all the bloggers and activists who have been salivating for years at this very prospect. And the best thing is that Nancy Pelosi becomes president—that strange female with the awkward smile and glare permanently chiseled on her face, that ultra-liberal San Franciscan whom Republicans love to hate, the president they can rally against, putting their divisions aside. Indeed they could hand-pick the perfect opponent leading into 2008. The best part is that Republicans can then blame the Democratic congress and the Democratic president they installed for all the problems the country is facing, and the gullible public is sure to believe them, ensuring that the GOP can continue to occupy the White House until the next impeachment proceedings commence.