NEWS

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April 18, 2008

God to Zimmer: Divest NOW!

I'm not one to read too much into natural disasters. I usually accept the meteorologists' explanations that massive flooding is caused by rain, not homosexuality. And while I blame the federal government for many things (like making a Benjamin Harrison $1 coin!), I don't think they can cause hurricanes. At least not yet.Nevertheless, when an earthquake hits Chicago just one day after President Zimmer talked about "What matters to me and why," I think it'd be irresponsible to just dismiss it as pure happenstance. Could Z-Unit have said something that offended the gods? Just as significant, perhaps, is the fact that not everyone seems to have noticed this earthquake, which lends credence to the theory, spreading like wildfire among the student body, that this was a targeted attack. I, for one, didn't notice anything peculiar until I received an e-mail asking if I was still alive. (At which point I promptly dropped to the ground and rolled underneath the bed; you never know when these things will return for more).A brief inspection of the neighborhood this afternoon revealed little to no damage. That is, I didn't see any actual damage, but Harold's Chicken Shack is suddenly missing two of its five booths. Do earthquakes cause tables to vanish into thin air? I don't feel qualified to definitively answer that question, so I'm leaving open the possibility.