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May 18, 2001

Go to Summer Breeze of contend with my wrath

Summer Breeze is a-coming. Good. Great. See if I care. Actually, I do care. At least I care more about this than I do about most other things, which isn't saying much. Anyway, I am talking now so please listen carefully. I think MAB and the perfectly decent Summer Breeze concert lineup they put together are getting a lot of shit they don't particularly deserve.

I've heard a lot of people talking about how much they've been looking forward to seeing highly-touted up-and-comers Run DMC tear shit live in Hutch Courtyard, right here at our very own University of Chicago. When I say, "I've heard a lot of people talking," I mean I've heard four or five people making fun of Run DMC or mumbling something about it not being 1986. Don't listen to those people. To some extent, these naysayers are in fact right. It is not 1986. Allegedly, Run DMC used to be on the cutting edge of music. Back when white people didn't buy rap music, Run DMC was really good. As a result of Run DMC's past goodness, white people started to buy rap music, and lo and behold, discovered that they liked it, or at least liked pretending to be black. Run DMC is, however, not good now, by all reports. This is true. Whatever.

Just because the music Run DMC make now isn't "good" doesn't mean you, the collective population of the University of Chicago, cannot, for one Saturday afternoon, remove the Oldsmobile-sized lump of granite from your ass and have a good time. Stop pointing out what MAB did or didn't do wrong. How many concerts have you put on recently?

Some people don't even respect Run DMC for bringing beats, rhymes, and such to American pop culture. Some people think Run DMC is responsible for crap like Mystikal, who, judging by most scientific indicators, is actually retarded. But rap music is like a really big, complicated 3D jigsaw puzzle. If you take out some of the pieces, like Run DMC, the puzzle isn't finished. Anyway, my point is that if somone went back in time and assassinated Run DMC, we wouldn't have to listen to Mystikal battle his learning disability on the radio.

That's not my point. This article just isn't about retards, however much I or anyone else wish it were. It's about music, I think. And I better not find out that some Chicago mega-chode is working a time machine in their dorm room for Scav Hunt, because I will shit bricks. Then I will throw these bricks at you. What I am getting at is that if someone did in fact build that time machine, using the Flux capacitor or flying around the sun in your star trek nerd-of-prey or whatever, and assassinated Run DMC (which I am not advocating), we would lose a lot of the good things about rap music. Mos Def probably wouldn't be here performing for us on the same stage as Run DMC if Run DMC hadn't been doing what they've done since 1986. Christmas in Hollis indeed.

I'm going to have to bring myself down to your level to explain this one, so listen up, you goddamn filthy nerds. How old is Plato? Like 8,000 years? I don't pretend to know. He is pretty damn old. I fucking hate Plato. I didn't like The Republic. I don't really like school. But I especially dislike Plato. But I bet you chodes fucking love him. I bet you have a picture of Plato in a low-cut toga over your filthy nerd bed. I bet you wack off to it. Anyway, Plato is like the Run DMC of philosophy. Some people think Plato sold out. Some people think Plato went pop. But that doesn't matter. Without Plato, we wouldn't have any of that other really important philosophy influenced by Plato they teach you here for the low, low price of $40,000 a year. Sure, some of that philosophy sucks. If you ask me, it all sucks. The only reason Plato was a philosopher was that his parents beat him. But back to the matter at hand.

Anyway, if I have to nerd things up for you guys to understand why you should go see this show, which isn't sold out and only costs $10, just remember: Run DMC = Plato, Mos Def = Allan Bloom, Fuel = my balls. I don't even know what the fuck kind of music Fuel plays, but I bet it involves the prefix "alt." I don't know what's up with Fuel. I don't normally deal in broad racial categorization, but I bet everyone who likes Fuel is white.

I apologize for that. Fuel is just not my thing. But it could be your thing. Even if you think MAB sucks and their concert sucks, there is some internal logic to this. According me, 95 percent of the people at this school also suck. So these people probably like music that sucks, on account of the fact that they suck, so MAB did right in bringing you at least one band that blows massive quantities of dong. Thus, we get Fuel.

But I don't think this concert sucks at all. I think you should all hang up your pocket protectors for a night, grease yourself down, and come be normal. Mos Def is really good, although that sentiment is more or less lost on, again, 95 percent on my reading audience here. You probably heard rap music once in your life and it scared you. Run DMC used to be really good, and they're probably going to play some of those songs they recorded when they were really good, which isn't at all dependent on how much they do or do not suck nowadays. I can't really blow any sunshine up your ass in re: Fuel, but whatever. There's plenty of sunshine up there as it is. Even if I can't convince you to come see the headliners, there are three local bands playing, namely Phinny's Secrets, Drexel and Fulton Pyser. I think I heard one of these bands for five seconds once. They sounded good enough to warrant more listening, as I recall. There is no reason these local noise outfits shouldn't get your full attention either. I'm tired of arguing, kids. Do yourself a favor and go pick up a ticket tomorrow at the Reynolds Club box office.

Anyway, I'm running out of steam on this one. In all honesty, I think it would be nice if everyone came out of their nerdholes for a weekend, and I think Summer Breeze is as good an opportunity as any for you to do it. It sure as hell wasn't Scav Hunt. Scavenger hunts used to be fun, when I was five, and all I had to do was find an easter egg or something. Our Scav Hunt could have been fun, except it was run like a rally in Nazi Germany, where the first person to stop clapping gets shot. Actually, I take that back. There is no way in hell Scav Hunt could have been fun. Nobody wins when nerds go wild. Yes, I am talking to you.