O foolish first-year, duped by September’s tender ministrations into thinking Chicago would be warmer than the prophets had warned, counter to the treacherous promises of those wicked Harper-hags, Behnkeius and Oneillia! Why thinkest thou that athletics took up temporary quarters in the sheltering bowels of the Geophysics building? Do you think it coincidence that Autumn’s chill made its first appearance fresh in time for IM football? No matter. The chill is here, and you shall suffer. Draw near, and warm your spirit in the weeks to come with tales of sporting derring-do.

The first week of IM football featured the usual mixed bag of blowouts and squeakers, details of which can be found in the rankings. Surprisingly, there were but two forfeits: Phallocrats, who apparently had difficulty getting up for their game, and Humanities, who presumably were baked out of their gourds or lost in intertextual space.

The second week started yesterday evening with what I am loosely calling “hot girl-on-girl action” as Apathy took on Red Army and Rickert met Broadview on the storied, windswept Midway. The Red Army, whether because of the shrunken talent pool they suffered with the dissolution of Russia’s outer republics or the loss of Slava Fetisov and Sergei Fedorov to the NHL, went down to Apathy, 42-7.

The other game was much more hotly contested, if the numerous hard hits, penalty flags, and big defensive stands are to be trusted, but Broadview still secured a convincing 12-0 win over Rickert. Though I was impressed with Broadview’s total game, particularly the play of Shannon O’Neill, who dished out some bone-crushing hits and put the game out of reach in the closing minutes with a clutch interception, their fans and attitude were a sight to behold. [Confession: I have always hated Palmer House, particularly after they cheated at IM volleyball several years ago, but they earned my grudging respect yesterday.]

Led by the exhortations of Trey O’Connor, the Broadview Crazies, who were composed mainly of Palmer House residents, kept up a boisterous chatter that had spectators at the Apathy game a field away smiling. When they took a momentary break to speak to The Insider, one player yelled at the sidelines, “Where’s the noise? Let’s go!” The fans turned up the volume, and the team responded by putting Rickert away.

In defense of Rickert, fan Phil Shaffer and coach Flynn Murphy pointed out that Rickert’s best player, Carrie Boudreaux, was playing with an injured hamstring and the team was playing without some of its first-stringers.

The Broadview players were uninterested in such fine points, however, and issued a challenge to every team they will face in the future. Echoing team captain Isra Bhatty’s sentiment that “this proves that unsportsmanlike conduct always prevails,” O’Neill declared “Bring it.” To hell with your feelings, these Broadview kids are intense and on a mission.

The Rankings:

1. Walk-Ons—After wiping out The Oaks with all the fervor of a swarm of Asian Longhorn Beetles, 45-18, Walk-Ons walk up to number one.

2. Monkey Mafia—Curious George goes to a DU party. Curious George rocks the house with a 32-7 whipping.

3. Graham (“Don’t Call Us Crackers”) House—Out with the old, in with the New…er, out with the New and—forget it. Graham House celebrates new identity with 28-6 victory over MAPH.

4. Henderson—Hendu has a lot of tradition on its side and has already been singled out by an IM ref as one of the more impressive teams. 26-7 win over Mathews House seems to back this up.

5. Atropine—Roaring out of the grad league with a 33-7 drubbing of Shucky-Ducky. Henceforth, any mention of the latter team in this column will refer to them as Sucky-Ducky.

6. Pritzker Somites—Whipped the Celtics 34-12. Would have been ranked higher had they beaten a football team rather than a basketball team.

7. Apathy—Win over Red Army follows week one 13-0 defeat of Rickert to take this Law School bunch to 2-0. Object to a women’s team placing so high? Screw you and your gender normativity; you can’t ignore this team’s tradition of dominance.

8. Hitchcock-Snell—Lay claim to title of best team in the coed league with 21-15 smack-down of Coulter Cougars.

9. Maclean—River of football skill ran through Linn House, 26-6.

10. May House—Up 26-20 with a minute left, held on for dramatic win over Team Wallace, 26-24.

11. Woodward—Has new RHs who came out of UCLA; so did the doping program the Woodwardians kicked off in O-Week. Teams wishing to ape the team’s success, reflected in their 25-14 squeezing of the Shorey Pythons, should call and ask for the Hot Tamale.

12. Broadview (women)—If this team can sharpen their receiving skills, they might be able to pose a challenge to Apathy.

Honorable mentions: Bishop-Phi Slamma Jamma—Fittingly, buried Bury the Biscuit, a.k.a. Psi U, 20-0, but basketball name warrants a week out of the rankings. Win over Maclean on Monday at 4:00 will send them up the ladder.

Compton Fightin’ Kiwis—Eked out a 6-0 win over the thugs from Thompson, who reportedly took more than their fair share of cheap shots.

Other scores from first week:

Dewey defeated Michelson, 13-12.

Supapigs defeated Red Army, 19-0.

CHI-GSB defeated Pike, 20-6.

Phi Delta Theta defeated Harold’s Chicken Shack, 13-6.

The Will defeated Johnny Walkers, 13-0.

Broadview Brallers defeated Alper Red Army, 14-12.

Dodd-Mead defeated Flint, 13-6.

Vincent/Salisbury defeated Rickert, 13-12.

GSB (black, not green) won by forefeit 6-0 over Humanities.

Ian Brown win by forfeit 6-0 over the Phallocrats.

The IM Office is still in need of officials. Prove that you really love the game as much as you claim by contacting Tamsen Burke in the Campus Sports Office in the basement of Hinds.