February 1, 2002

Where you learn to be a deity

Dear Aspiring Deity,

Thank you for expressing interest in the Divinity School. We hope you find that our program suits your interests as a budding deity. Enjoy!

Purpose: The Divinity School is devoted to its mission, which is to educate and send out into the world a top-notch set of gods, year after year. We have courses with various foci, from Sun God Training 33400 to Goddess Issues 40400, which is cross-listed in the gender studies department.

Each spring we will graduate gods from each of our core divine divisions: sun gods, animal gods, aquatic gods, chaste gods, sex gods, and wine gods, as well as from our newer, broader divisions: Pagan gods, Judeo-Christian-Islamic gods, wicked gods, and naughty gods.

Occasionally, a student decides that he would rather become certified as a type of god we do not offer a program in becoming. We make allowances for such circumstances, and just last year produced our first-ever deep dish pizza god.

Traditions: Here at the Divinity School, we have lots of 'em! Each year, whoever graduates last in His class is given the title of demigod, while He who ranks first is named Monotheistic God of the Class of (class year). We also have the Winter God/Goddess Cotillion, which is organized by the Snow God Club, a very popular one, given our location. The Cotillion is held everywhere (literally, since it is attended by gods).

Traditionally, however, the aquatic god candidates congregate near the lake, the animal god candidates on the quad among the squirrels, and so forth.

Our annual debate, Pagan candidates vs. Judeo-Christian-Islamic candidates, is always well-attended.


1. Essay: Choose one from the options below. Any length, up to infinity, is welcome.

a. What miracles have you performed (in college only, please, high school miracles not applicable) and why those?

b. Discuss your plans for future omnipotence.

c. Describe an instance in which your god-like qualities helped you get out of a sticky situation.

d. (required for transfer applicants) Tell us why you think you'd make a great god.

2. Letters of Recommendation: We ask for two letters of recommendation from people who already worship you as a god.

3. Portfolio: This includes any texts written that claim to be your words and photos of idols made in your honor.

Prerequisites: While a pre-god program is not offered by the College, since no pre-professional programs of any kind exist at the U of C, a recommended pre-god-style curriculum would include a Ph.D. in mathematics, fluency in all languages, and a 4.0 in every class ever taken, as well as perfect scores on all standardized tests offered by ETS (without any prep courses).

Graduation Requirements:

Organic deities - four quarters

Inorganic deities - two quarters

Invisibility Workshop - one quarter

Astrophysics - two-quarter sequence

Super-Advanced French/Intense Subjunctive Studies - 16 quarters

Degree given: God