January 20, 2005

Inauguration: like a leap year, only cooler

January 20, 2005—It is Inauguration Day and I am all set to report to you, live from my bedroom. I've got my TV on and a bag of candy by my side. Originally the plan was to eat a chocolate every time someone referenced God, but we're 10 minutes into this event and already I'm just eating them continuously. So much for that.

Okay, they're starting with musical guests. This singer is one of America's most popular mezzo sopranos, apparently, though I'll admit that it could be Kelly Clarkson up there and I wouldn't notice the difference. I don't know mezzo sopranos, other than Charlotte Church, and that's only because she's on my list of girls who are younger than me, hotter than me, and more famous than me. Like a "hit list," if you will.

If you can get anyone to sing at your inauguration, why the hell would you want a mezzo soprano, especially of the non Charlotte Church variety? Personally, I would reunite the Smiths for the occasion of my inauguration. Except that they're British. And that Morrissey loathes America even more than he loathes himself. Whatever.

Now people are walking in. The former presidents enter in chronological order. Carter is followed by some dude who looks, on my blurry TV screen, exactly like George W. Bush. I'm confused because no one in the audience seems that excited, but then I realize that it's George Bush, Sr. A totally different person. Whew. I fear that they're going to parade around with the ashes of Ronald Reagan, but it seems America finally, after the summer's festivities, grew tired of seeing Reagan's corpse. Whew again.

I swear, this honored guests list reads like the cast of villains from a bad comic book. "Vice President Richard Cheney, accompanied by Representative Tom DeLay and Senator Trent Lott." Shudder. Cheney almost smiled, but I guess his aides warned him not to, due to how it makes him look like a bloodthirsty wolf. Still, lighten up, hon. It's a party!

Oh my God, Lynne Cheney and I have the same color coat! Good taste, Lynne! I guess when it's January in D.C., it's just too cold to dress like a skank. I hope someone warned the Bush twins.

The First Lady is wearing all white. How virginal. We all know you had sex with the President, Laura. Also, it's way too early in the season for white. Boo, hiss! It is not Memorial Day! That is the day when we remember dead soldiers, and today is the day when we pretend like they don't exist. Check your calendar, Mrs. Bush!

Oh, good: some superfluous shots of American flags. I was afraid C-SPAN was going to miss that opportunity. Now all we need are superfluous Jesus references and we are set.

Time for speeches, this first Reverend guy is good. He quotes Thomas Jefferson and MLK Jr., in one breath, all while speaking directly to God. It makes my prayers seem awfully ineloquent in comparison. Or awfully unplagerized.

I sure hope Bush references homosexuals in his speech. I mean, that's what he won on, right? Preventing gay marriage? If he changes his platform now and starts babbling about equality or peace or liberty, I will be pretty ticked off. You can't change ideological horses in midstream, Mr. President! Although maybe when you've already won the race, maybe then you can change horses. Huh.

He's speaking now. Time to pay attention. He just said something about a "fire of freedom." This seems like complex imagery. I guess the idea is that freedom reproduces endlessly, in a kind of creepy, defying-science type of way. But does it also mean that freedom destroys natural habitats and kills suspected witches? George does not seem to have thought this one through.

Then again, I don't know, maybe he is way smarter than I. He just referenced the "ownership society" again. Does he do this just to prove my mental inferiority? I have no idea what an "ownership society" is. Sounds like an anti-communist slogan. But I thought we were fighting the terrorists now, not the communists? Man, I.R. is tricky.

But wait! Bush changed his mind. Now he is saying, "History has a visible direction." That is so Marxist, dude. You are going to single-handedly revive the USSR with statements like that. What are you thinking? We have enough enemies with nuclear capacity!

When Bush says, "There are some who have tried to test our resolve and found it firm," C-SPAN shows a shot of some dude standing in the audience. I wonder if he, personally, has been testing American resolve? Badass.

Okay, never mind. He's done. He's president now. So much for you, Dude From The Audience, and your impertinence. For the next four years, we need none of you and your kind.

Though maybe I'll have some chocolates leftover to share. If you want.