April 21, 2006

Election guide: The Moose Party

The Moose Party holds several distinctions in this year’s SG election—most notably, it is the only party to have run and lost in all of the past 12 elections and the only party to advocate transforming the A-Level into a brewery.

“We want to change things, to make things better, as opposed to worse, because worse would be worse,” said third-year in the College Greg Kiernan, the presidential candidate.

Among the slate’s proposals are giving an eco-friendly, ethanol, and beer-powered Zamboni to every student, the addition of beer to the menu at all the dining halls, and fundraising by auctioning off dorm and house names to beer companies.

“The Moose Party is the party of change, the party of the small town man, the simple man, and we just want to make the U of C fun for all,” Kiernan said. “I mean, you can’t spell various words that have ‘fun’ in them without fun. Like dysfunctional. My point is that existence precedes essence.”

“I’m just a small town boy trying to make it in the big city,” said third-year Robert Carlson, the candidate for VP of Student Affairs. “I was raised on wild boar and mashed potatoes. My mother wore combat boots. I know how the average man feels.”

In addition to demands for campus fire sprinklers to be converted into beer dispensers and local restaurants like Pockets, Cholie’s, and the Depot to be integrated into the campus dining system, the Moose Party expressed interest in improving the outside community.

“I think we could really lower the crime rate in the area by getting more people to drink,” said Ted Peters, the VP of Administration candidate and a first-year in the College. “Groups of drunks are way less likely than a single drunk to get mugged.”

“Plus, I want to renovate the Point,” Carlson said. “I’m tired of sitting out at the Point at night drunk and seeing all these boats crash into the shore. I’d use student funds to build a lighthouse—a Natty Light-house.”

When asked how they would react if they manage to pull off an historic upset, Moose Party candidates envisioned marching around campus while singing “Hail to the Chief,” but ultimately acknowledged that they would probably be too drunk to appreciate the victory.