May 12, 2006

Ahmadinejad writes Bush a follow-up letter

By now, everyone’s heard about the historic personal letter recently sent from Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to President Bush. Well, we here at the Factor have the next big development in this story: Just yesterday, one of our correspondents intercepted another letter sent from the Iranian head of state, and in a worldwide exclusive, we present it here translated and uncut…

To His Most Esteemed Excellency, George Dubya:

You don’t mind if I call you that, do you? I got the Most Esteemed Excellency bit from Fox News, so I assume that’s OK. How’ve you been, my regime-toppling friend? I know, you probably rolled your eyes as soon as you saw a return address in Tehran for the second time in a week. But frankly, I’m a little distressed that you still haven’t replied to my first letter. If we’re serious about doing this pen pal thing, I can’t be the one doing all the work. So I was sitting around playing with one of these neat new enrichment centrifuges (haha—kidding! I’m just using it as an office desk toy) and thought I’d send along another note, just to let you know what’s new back here in (my incredibly oil-rich country whose government I’m sure you’d like to shake up more than the CIA) Iran, maybe call you out on a few more double-standard policies, remind you again that democracy has failed to solve the world’s problems, etc.

Actually, I’m not sure how much I feel like releasing another salvo of anti-American rhetoric just now; with that last letter and all these provocative announcements I have to keep making about our…err…really cool science experiment (I think we’re going to name it “The Tehran Project”! Isn’t that a nifty title?) I’m starting to get a little sick of my own voice. We’re probably all tired of hearing how sure I am that your government’s fueling anti-American hatred across the globe, that Iraq’s a bit of a mess even if I’m glad that old batshit Saddam’s out of town, and that maybe I made some vague comments about Israel not having the right to exist. Really, it’s your turn; all you did after my last letter was trot out that Condoleezza Rice woman and have her mutter a dismissal. You didn’t address anything I said! Didn’t you get even a little riled up? Didn’t you reflect for a moment on my point that all the money you’re spending going to war with the world and pissing everyone off could be better spent combating poverty and disease? Not that I’m a bleeding-heart liberal or anything like that (far from it; you know me!). But come on! I was hoping you’d conjure your most squinty-eyed, smarmy-grinned presidential face and at least issue a rebuttal on TV! I’m assuming you’re replying late because you’re putting some real quality time into writing a full response that will keep me occupied between secret underground tests of…

Oops! Almost let the heavily irradiated cat out of the bag there! Where was I? Oh yes…I can’t blame you for taking time to get back to me; it does sound like you’ve been under a bit of heat. What did I read just the other day? Only 31 percent of your people think you’re handling your job as president well? Only 29 percent approve of your policy in Iraq, and only 27 percent like your foreign policy in general (read: Don’t bomb me!)? Don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly one to criticize. I’m sure my public approval ratings haven’t been great…though of course I’d never know since all our polls are rigged anyway! Seriously though Mr. Decider, just shrug it off. Whatever your American Idol–addled public may think, and despite what may have come across as a biting critique in my last letter, I personally think you’re doing OK. I really dug your style with the illegal wire-tapping (though I can’t help saying you’re way behind the curve on that one; it’s the only way we do things over here) and I’m glad to see you agree with my statement that a religious basis for government is the only basis for government. I like what you’re doing in making over that Supreme Court of yours, for example, and I’m sure if you keep at it you can get intelligent design recognized in the rule books eventually.

Still, I have to admit all this rhetoric about the U.S. coming after our quiet little Republic has me a bit nervous. I mean, don’t just decide to bomb us on a political whim, to try and rally public support and consolidate your grip on power like you did last time, yeah? I think it’s pretty clear you’ve got enough problems at home. What about that funny man, that Colbert character? Why not send some special forces after him for all those jibes at your fancy dinner? I tell you, if anyone at one of my fancy dinners got up and started talking like that, he’d have a hard time flapping his tongue after the kind of rusty blade justice I’d dish out. Haha, just kidding!…sort of.

But seriously…promise me you won’t bomb us, all right? It wouldn’t be good for either of us. Didn’t your Mr. Rumsfeld just say something about how the “wrong” intelligence used to justify going to war with Iraq should make you more prudent in the future? You won’t get away with the same trick twice, believe me; intelligence doesn’t become “wrong” by falsifying and doctoring itself indefinitely, does it?

Oh! Got to go! Looks like some yellow cake urani…I mean, yellow velvet cake just arrived! Mmm…tell you what: Promise not to bomb us and I’ll send you a slice!

Your Pal,

M. A.