November 2, 2007

Intelligent life encounters Kucinich

Dennis Kucinich just wanted to smell the roses. Jimmy Carter was just trying to be friendly. Now America has a full-scale alien problem on its hands.

The announcement hit the presidential campaign trail like a Mack truck hitting a family of possums. Dennis J. Kucinich, U.S. Representative from Ohio’s 10th congressional district, champion of the working man and woman, friend of Willie Nelson, full-time vegan, and presumptive favorite for the Democratic nomination—should anything happen to Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson, Christopher Dodd and possibly Al Gore—has a bit of an illegal alien problem in his past.

In a passage from her new book that reads like something out of a Lynne Cheney novel, actress Shirley MacLaine vividly describes her friend Dennis’s close encounter with a UFO at her house in Washington state:

“The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him,” she writes. According to MacLaine, Kucinich “felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind.”

Just imagine how they felt. After traveling millions of light years—navigating through untold treacherous asteroid fields and whatever’s left of the Mir space station—the first human they encountered was the elfish former mayor of Cleveland. It would be quite understandable indeed if the first words out of their little alien mouth-like organs were the immortal “Take me to your leader.”

At first glance, with his pointy ears and goofy grin, they must have thought they’d stumbled upon a long-lost cousin, but the minute he opened his mouth and started gushing about the abomination of NAFTA, the little green monsters surely must have realized just how fruitless their mission was. Surely, there was no intelligent life on this blue-and-green oasis. It’d be enough to frighten even the heartiest of space travelers back to Tatooine.

Kucinich, who confirmed the UFO story at the most recent Democratic debate, is not the only candidate with an illegal alien problem this election cycle, though. Speaking to an audience in New Hampshire (they dig this type of thing), Rudy Giuliani was asked by a young boy whether the United States would be prepared for an invasion from outside the solar system. “If we’re properly prepared for anything that can happen to us,” the mastermind behind the $9.11 campaign donation answered, “we’ll be prepared for that as well.”

Well, at least he has a plan for something.

Hoopla aside, it would not be the first time that the extraterrestrial threat has cast a shadow over the White House. None other than Ronald Reagan once mused, “I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world.” And as Kucinich was quick to point out, the esteemed Nobel laureate and one-time leader of the free world Jimmy Carter once filed a UFO sighting report. Carter even went to far so record an audio address for the Voyager I spacecraft should it encounter life outside the solar system.

After having met both Jimmy Carter and Dennis Kucinich, it’s probably safe to say that any intelligent life-form will be avoiding planet Earth for the foreseeable future. But in the meantime, there’s only one way we can truly prepare ourselves for an attack. Forget Fred Thompson; it’s time to draft Sigourney Weaver.

Tim Murphy is a third-year in the College majoring in history. His column appears every other Friday.