Recent polling has shown that French voters remain undecided heading into next week’s presidential election. Never fear, good people of France—I am here to help make your decision easier. For you see, unlike most ignorant Americans, I understand you very well. I understand that you enjoy a foreign policy that appeases your enemies and snuffs your closest friends. I understand that you want all your citizens—well, to be honest, all your white, French-born citizens—to have lifetime jobs without any fear of losing them. I understand that you enjoy hating Jews, er, I mean Israel, and support a foreign policy in accordance with that hatred. And I know that you want a leader willing to attack the United States for its wars over oil and then take that same oil from peaceful, freedom-loving states like Syria, Iran, and Sudan. Believe me, people of France, I do understand you and am proud to endorse Ségolène Royal for the French presidency, so her gaffe-prone speeches, entertaining sex life, and hapless economic policy can finally put the Fifth Republic out of its misery.
For you see, ladies and gentlemen, all my life I have had but a few humble dreams; one of them is the destruction of France. This is why, every four years, I usually endorse Jean-Marie Le Pen for the presidency—that far-right, xenophobic racist represents the true France, a France that has a dangerous superiority complex regarding its own culture and relevance, a France that is in a state of denial about how little its opinions truly matter on the world stage, a France that frankly should be destroyed. And Le Pen was just the man to do it; he supported a radical policy of ending all immigration and deporting all the Muslims. Remember how the Muslims reacted last summer when they couldn’t get a job? Imagine how they’d react to a deportation order. If Le Pen were elected, the inept French military (let’s be serious: When was the last time they won a war?) would be decimated in a confrontation with the Muslims, and France would be destroyed from the outside and hopefully taken over by one of its neighbors, like Italy, which would make this half-Italian columnist very happy. (By the way, France, we’d be happy to kick your ass again in the next World Cup!) Last time around, voters sent Le Pen into the second round of voting, but did not want the world to see how xenophobic and racist they were, electing Jacques Chirac instead. This time around, they were smart enough to avoid that embarrassment, but Royal is still a step in the right direction.
Royal has promised to “draft the Muslims” if they riot again and stated that she supports independence for Quebec, positions that angered two groups you never want to piss off: Muslims and, worse yet, Canadians. She has promised lifetime government jobs and higher taxes, but, unlike Mayor Daley, she lacks the mob connections to actually deliver on either promise. Her sex life has also been entertaining: Her lover is the father of her two children and coincidentally the chairman of her party, but recent rumors have circulated that they split up over her infidelity (take that Hillary!). On the other hand Nicolas Sarkozy, her conservative opponent, has promised to reduce France’s income tax to 50 percent—now I’m from Taxachusetts, and even there, you need to be a millionaire to get taxed that much. He has also promised to make the job market competitive again and to end the chronic unemployment among Muslim youth that triggered last summer’s riots. Even though he has some good ideas, I am still sure he will soon be painted by Royal as a crony of the Americans, a French Bush, an anti-Muslim extremist, and someone who hates the core French values of laziness, pretension, and condescension. After dismissing Sarkozy, the French people will be well on their way to electing Royal, allowing me to wonder if I’ll be able to play the fiddle while Paris burns.