April 13, 2008

Robert Zimmer's secret plan to destroy the world

Like the Chicago City Council, we've long suspected President Zimmer of being up to something nefarious. And while I disagree that Z-Unit (as he is affectionately known) is complicit in genocide, I am prepared to go one step further and argue that he and Ralph Nader are the same person. (No, really, just look at the evidence.)His life-long advocacy of seatbelt safety is not what concerns me, though. Just take a look at this Maroon article:

Switzerland has a long legacy of peaceful neutrality, but two men claim that Swiss scientists are building a device that could destroy the universe.
...whoa. So who are these brave whistleblowers?
Walter Wagner, a former radiation safety officer for the Veterans Administration who studied physics at University of California–Berkeley, and Luis Sancho, a self-professed time-theory researcher, have filed suit to halt construction on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) until their safety concerns are satisfied. The U of C’s Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory (Fermilab) is one of the defendants in the lawsuit.
Fun game: Come up with synonyms for "self-professed time-theory researcher." Also, of all the federal agencies out there, I think the Veterans Administration is probably the one I trust most when it comes to evaluating particle accelerators. So what's their gripe?
One such possibility they suggest is the creation of strangelets, altered subatomic particles that would change the earth into a dense mass of exotic “strange matter.” They also said that the creation of mini black holes inside the accelerator could grow to consume the earth or even our entire universe.
Sounds serious!
But Edward Kolb, chair of the Department of Astronomy and Astrophysics at the University, who spent a year working at CERN, said the suit is without scientific merit.
“I am much more concerned about Godzilla arising from Lake Michigan and cavorting about in Hyde Park than about collisions at CERN causing the end of the world,” Kolb said in an e-mail interview with the Maroon.
...Kolb added that if Wagner and Sancho are so worried about CERN, they should consider lobbying Congress to “ban cosmic radiation altogether.” “Preliminary results point to the cosmic rays originating from gigantic black holes in distant galaxies. If Mr. Wagner’s concerns have any merit, then according to the [Bush] Administration’s policy of preemptive action, those galaxies must be immediately destroyed,” Kolb said.
So who do you trust: The chair of the Department of Astronomy and Astrophysics at the University (read: major nerd!) or the rogue, self-professed time-theory researcher?