November 23, 2010

You do the review: A Foodents Mad Lib

Hello, reader. Have you had a good autumn? We really hope so. But the leaves have fallen, and the quarter is almost over. And guess what? This is our last column of the year. I hope you had fun. We sure did!

So, to leave you with a reminder that UChicago can just as soon be the place where fun goes to dine as where it goes to die, we wrote this review of San Soo Gab San as a Mad Lib. That means that, today, you get to be the reviewer! But just for today. At midnight the spell will be broken, and your critical abilities will evaporate like water on a floor. Now without further ado, your Foodents mad lib:

On (day of the week) we went to San Soo Gab San, a really (adjective) Korean restaurant in the (cardinal direction) side of (large Midwestern city on a lake). We went in a (noun) the (noun) of a (noun) that traveled faster than an angry (noun) in heat. We were listening to “She Will Be Loved” by (band with a color that is also a mascot) (a prime number less than ten).

When we got to the restaurant, we thought, “(exclamation of surprise and slight disappointment)! We’ve been here before!” That has never happened to us before, since we (adverb) (verb) (noun) (adverb of time), (interjection)!

The restaurant was bright (the color of the spine of Wheelock’s Latin, 6th Edition) mixed with a little hint of (the color of a “den” c. 1982). The other diners were mostly of (Asian ethnicity) descent (conjunction) were frequently in large (term for a group of people you are forced to endure during the holidays).

We got between (big number) and thirty complimentary appetizers in tiny, kelp-colored bowls. Some were (name of a white rapper’s on-and-off again wife + ‘chi’). One was just steamed broccoli and cauliflower. (participle of sadness). Another was (the exact color and consistency of the pubic hair of a spicy merperson). Great.

Finally the main courses (verb in the past tense). The first was a classic, Bim (same as last word) (generic American farmboy name [NOT ‘Silas’]). It was served in a stone bowl. It was very good, and quite reasonably priced.

And finally, the dish that put Korea on the map, the barbequed (relative height of most five year-olds) ribs. They were also very good. They were not (adjective describing the cheek of an average five year-old, post-pinch), but chewing them really brought out their flavor. Kind of like meat gum, but way better than “meat gum” sounds.

We walked away satisfied, and filled with good (subject of this column). We then bought some Middle Eastern pastries and drove to (college that is similar to ours, but purple and still in the Big Ten). “We’re going to go find us a (place where fun happens and there is music and dancing and girls(!!))!” So we drove to (pharmacy).

We bought four (color, first part of Hyde Park street ending in ‘-stone’) & (adjective describing the least spicy Taco Bell hot sauce)s. But we couldn’t find the (place where fun happens and there is music and dancing and girls(!!)), so we (verb in the past tense) the (color, first part of Hyde Park street ending in ‘-stone’) & (adjective describing the least spicy Taco Bell hot sauce)s on a beach and went home and played (name of the old video game console with strange controllers).

It was a sad night. But not so sad, because we got to eat good food. And good food is a bandage for all of life’s (abstract noun describing terrible, terrible things), or emotional boo-boos. It really is.

See you in 2011.


The coordinates: (5, -3)

Our ranking system:

Some astute readers will notice a new addition to the Foodents family. This is our Rating System®, a mult-eye-dimensional modular restaurant system based around two axes: the self-explanatory “unexcellence/excellence” x-axis and the similarly self-explanatory “unfancypantsness/fancypantsness” y-axis. A coordinate pair will be assigned to each restaurant based on its rating on each of these axes. You’ll figure it out.