April 12, 2018

Shady Dealer Selling 500 Condoms Celebrating Free Expression

Maroon Staff / The Chicago Maroon

The Chicago Shady Dealer is selling 500 condoms imprinted with the words “Free Expression,” ostensibly to demonstrate its support of the “sustained open discourse” fundamental to the UChicago experience. 

The condoms are available online and will be sold in Reynolds Club at a time yet to be announced for $1.50 apiece. 

Established in 2004 as the University’s sole satire news magazine, the Dealer puts a comedic spin on campus activity, the administration, and student life.

The Maroon sat down with members of the Dealer to discuss the condom sale.

“We were looking to fundraise, and we thought other groups are selling mugs and shot glasses and t-shirts and experiences. What can we give? What can we print something on? Condoms,” said fourth-year Milena Pross. “What does the public need to know about these? They work. So far we’ve had zero accidents. They're definitely real.” 

To sweeten the bargain, Pross revealed,“We will have five golden condoms, similar to Willy Wonka’s golden tickets, hidden between the pages of Maroon issues distributed around campus. If you find a golden condom, you have a choice: sex with any member of the Shady Dealer, or a tour of the Shady Dealer Factory.”

This isn’t the first time the Shady Dealer has focused its wholly satirical, somewhat salacious lens on distributing propaganda unique to UChicago. 

“Last year we gifted a T-shirt to Dean Boyer that said, ‘University of Cool Awesome where Fun Comes to Have Sex,’” Pross recalled. “We realized we had sent this horrible message to the youths to go have sex everywhere, and we never once mentioned that it should be safe. We felt terribly irresponsible and we wanted to make up for it.”

Fourth-year Ryan Fleishman said that purchasing the Dealer’s condoms was an ultimate display of patriotism. 

“You know people are saying you can get a condom for free right, so why buy a condom? You know what I tell them? I say these aren't just condoms, these are ideals,” Fleishman said. “Every single one of the precious little squares represents the First Amendment, represents free speech, represents the greatest country in the world.” 

Third-year Nik Varley added,“I feel it’s appropriate for us as arguably the sexiest and most expressive RSO on campus.” 

Fleishman reflected at the end of the meeting,“You know, the beauty of these condoms is that they let you express yourself in any safe space without consequences.”