Arts

Hardcore Curriculum—10/27/2009

Cracking the sacred bro-code in the sake of getting some action

Photo: Tom Tian/The Chicago Maroon
Hardcore Curriculum

It's last week's column, the infinitely complex world of the Bro was addressed, specifically in regards to a bro's love life. We felt the need to expand on this subject, so here we've provided you with more information on the bro-code and how to navigate the world of bro-dom when trying to score.



Bros Before Hos



A bro in need (of some action) is a bro indeed. Bros will do anything for each other,
 which ninety-nine percent of the time means that he will not cockblock him. This is a good rule—everyone deserves to have a good
 time, and your bro shouldn’t get in the way of your fun. The very few
times that a guy will interfere in his bro’s business all have to do
 with his well-being. Meaning: If you are ugly, diseased, or clingy, it
is a bro’s duty to save his friend. There is no negotiating. Period.



The "Bro's Before Hoes" rule also means that if you ever find yourself 
liking a guy, and you know his bro likes you, you are stuck.  There 
might as well be a huge “Off Limits” sign posted on your forehead, 
because a bro will not make a move on the girl of another bro.  So, if you 
find yourself in this situation, its probably better to count your 
losses and bail.



The Wing Man Bro



The Wing Man Bro is a special, special type of bro. He is the bro that
 throws himself at women time and time again in order for his fellow bro to get some. He may use a plethora of techniques, such as, but not 
limited to the following: elaborate lies (making his friend seem like
 a really cool dude), general douchebaggery (allowing his friend to
 save you from the generic party asshole), or, my personal favorite, 
playing “Have you met Ted?.” A Wing Man bro will go along with any 
scheme, and they are quite difficult to get rid of.  Ladies, if you 
want to rid yourselves of the inconvenience of a Wingman while chasing your prey, bring along a Wing Woman. A Wing Woman needs to be 
ready to separate a bro and his Wing Man and employ some tricks of her
 own in helping you get the guy. Be sure that your Wing Woman is
 slighly less attractive than you to ensure you get who you want 
but not completely unattractive so that she can serve as an efficient decoy.



Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Ex-Boyfriend's Bro



If there's one way that you'll face guaranteed shut down is by going 
after your ex-boyfriend's bro.  It doesn't matter if you broke up on 
the best terms and are still BFFs with your ex-boyfriend, it most 
likely won't happen. For further proof of this statement, see: Bro's 
Before Hoes, above. Of course, if by some miracle you manage to hook
up with your ex-boyfriend's bro, he's going to have to hand in
 his bro-card and say bye-bye to that bromance. Although, if you don't
 feel guilty about the possibility of permanently ending their 
friendship, feel free to pursue.



The Bro Vow of Silence



Have you been dating a potential Mr. Right for the past two months and
are just dying to find out more about him? Do you happen to be on
 good terms with his best bro, and want to find out more? Well, don't
 ask him. Seriously. If you want to find out about your beau, then 
you should ask your boyfriend yourself. You don't need the bro-code
 to know that you shouldn't be asking the best friend about your new 
lover's past, sexual or otherwise. The best bro is an important 
position in a dude's life, filled with manly slaps on the back and
 comfortable silences. If one can't trust their bro with their past,
 then who can they trust?



The "Honorary Bro"



Bros are awesome. They are lots of fun to be around, and to be counted
 as one of them is a great honor (in our opinion). Unfortunately, a
 woman can rarely ever be a true bro, but will most often be under what 
we like to call “Honorary Bro” status. There are a few requirements 
for becoming an honorary bro, most of them are really fun, but
 some, a little gross. You must not cockblock, and if possible, you 
must serve as a Wing(Wo)man for your bros. Along these lines, you have to
 be chill. There is nothing worse than having someone freak out over a 
ruined Natty Ice. Speaking of Natty Ice, be prepared to drink beer in 
any and every way: in a kegstand, out of a baseball bat, in any
 variety of drinking game, etc.  In general, if you are not looking to
 move from Honorary Bro status into the Girlfriend zone, take your time 
with your bros and just be as chill as possible: that’s what they’re
 there for.




We here at Hardcore Curriculum are not bros, and therefore, have 
broken no rules in speaking of the mystical bro code. Ladies and gents, keep the bro code in mind 
as you prowl the party scene.


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