On this week's 30 Rock, Liz wins the office lottery, and so she has a thousand dollars. Although Jack advises her against trying to buy happiness with it—“Money can’t buy happiness. It is happiness”—Liz ignores him and decides to at least try to buy popularity. She opens a $1000 tab at the bar next door for all her coworkers, and they go and get drunk on her dime at lunch. Now Liz has tons of drunk friends!

Except the alcoholics, because they can’t drink. But then she buys them ice cream, so they like her. Except the lactose intolerant alcoholic! He is still grumpy! How will Liz get every last person to like her? And how will she get her nickname for herself, “The Lizard,” to catch on? Except by chanting it over and over again all by herself? Jenna warns Liz that she can’t change who she is by buying everyone presents, but Liz (understandably) doesn’t really trust Jenna’s advice.

Jack should be happy this episode, because he clearly has money and he said money is happiness, but he is actually having some trouble. His troubles are almost too strange to explain, but one of them is that he worked too hard at the Harvard linguistics department in his youth (?!?) and the other one is that he can’t find a flaw in a very fancy microwave. But he really, really wants to, and he is willing to sacrifice anything to do it. Including Kenneth’s life.