Although the Moose Party endorses Better Slate Than Never, it is still campaigning on providing students more beer than recommended by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, which it argues will cure the student body of “U of C goggles.”
“I love the University, though I am concerned by the so-called U of C goggles I’ve developed,” said Adam Brunk, the slate’s candidate for vice president of administration. “The last time I was home, that home-schooled girl from the down the street with the headgear, jungle-like hair, and full-on mustache was suddenly looking pretty damn good.”
Now in its 11th year of running for SG, the Moose Party is waiting for the day when it will be elected, so it can install its leader and demigod, Mortimer the Moose, to power to fulfill his reign of inebriation and mayhem over the University.
Brunk said that the Moose Party is planning to model their campaign on actual politicians’ campaigns, except they will keep their promises. They pledge, if elected, to turn the Midway into a trailer park so that students will not have to live in Housing or rent from K&G Building Management anymore and will solve the problems of homelessness and drunk driving by creating a beer delivery committee staffed by Hyde Park derelicts, open 24 hours a day and payable with flex dollars. Benefits from the drunken revolution of the Moose Party include an individual drunk van for every student, staffed by grad students from School of Social Service Administration and the Harris School of Public Policy. Administration-student relations will improve by converting brown bag lunches to Admin keggers, which undoubtedly will include wet T-shirt contests. Finally, as a plug to their sponsor, Moosehead beer will be on tap in Hutch Commons and all dining halls. Some ideas on the Moose Party’s backburner include slip and slides connecting class buildings, intramural paintball on the Quads and the Midway, and drinking fountains spouting soda.
The Moose Party feels that SG is a joke and has outlived its purpose; therefore anarchy is the natural solution.
“Long have I watched from the outside as SG crashes down upon itself and I believe now is the time for change,” Brunk said. “Without a doubt, I believe Robert Hubbard is the best man for the job, but why not give Sam Henry [Moose Party candidate for President] a try? He’s just so full of spunk and vodka. I want change and Sam Henry is that, for better or worse. I’m only tagging along because I’m a first-year and have far too little to do.”
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