I never agree with the winners of the Oscars. We all know that Crash was a terrific movie, but it wasn’t a Best Picture. The same goes for Chicago; it was good, but it wasn’t the best. What about Shakespeare in Love? Let’s just say the Academy was way off on that one.

So for me, there’s no reason to watch the Oscars—except to judge everyone’s triumphs and follies on the red carpet. Though I hold my breath in anticipation of someone tripping in their sky-high Manolos, I couldn’t care less about what they’re presenting. Here are my nominations for Best and Worst Dressed at the 78th Academy Awards.

I nominate Dolly Parton for Biggest Joke on the Runway. She walked the red carpet in a woven pink chiffon dress. Each of her breasts is the size of her head, and this dress only accentuated that. I’m surprised she didn’t topple over from their weight. It’s amazing that she can still walk upright, and even more amazing that she exposed as much as she did. A word to the wise: Act your age. Not your breast size.

Amy Adams is nominated for the Worst Debut. The star of Junebug wore a hideous Carolina Herrara brown corset and skirt. She borrowed her earrings from Herrara’s personal collection—which makes me wonder how the designer thought it would be a good idea to allow this new star to walk the carpet in that joke of an outfit. The material of the skirt was sewn together in awkward bunches that didn’t flatter Adams’s body, and the corset was too complicated (complete with accessories to tame the skirt). I suggest that Adams get a stylist other than the aging Herrara.

I nominate Charlize Theron for Worst Comeback. She usually pieces the perfect outfits together, but this year was a disaster. When you have an amazing body like hers, it’s best to frame it, not pile things on top of it. After peering around her large Christian Dior bow and trying to find the body covered in the charcoal satin, I finally found Theron. Try again next year.

Michelle Williams is nominated for Borderline Case. Her body was framed nicely by her orange Vera Wang dress with a gathering below the waist. But above the waist, an orange ruffle taffeta (which didn’t match the style of the dress) bordered her low V-neck. I liked the bottom, but the top made it impossible to take the dress seriously. She also matched the dress with a horrible shade of red lipstick. Her lips are too big to slather with such a loud color. I recommend cautiously wearing orange—and not wearing anything that reminds me of Raquel Rodriguez in Destinos.

I nominate Reese Witherspoon for Best Reinvention. She looked lovely in a different designer than she usually chooses; vintage Christian Dior. The cut fit her body well, and the fabric glistened perfectly—not too gaudy, but still sparkly enough to stand out.

Keira Knightley wins the Best Accessory award. She wore a gorgeous, dark red Vera Wang dress with nice accessories, hair, and makeup to match. While the poof in the dress was a little awkward, the cut and criss-crossing fabric accented her body nicely. Her Asprey necklace—blue stones in a garish cut—juxtaposed her flowing dress perfectly.

Uma Thurman wins my Best Dressed award with her stunning Versace gown. Its low neckline and gathered sleeves (in opaque white chiffon material) complemented her body nicely. She made a great choice by accentuating it with earrings rather than a necklace. Thurman has made some not-so-flattering decisions in the past, but this year she stole the show.