ARTS

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February 27, 2004

Stay Tuned

*Friday*

I can't get enough TLC. Trading Spaces, A Wedding Story, A Personal Story (which should just be called A Plastic Surgery Story), What Not to Wear—it's all good stuff. I even like While You Were Out. Tonight is a very special episode, and not just because the room they're redesigning is the smallest the crew has ever done: Jesse, on the receiving end of the surprise, is in a wheelchair. So the room can't just be hokey crap and sloppy craftsmanship; it has to be wheelchair-accessible, too. TLC's description of the episode tells us tonight's surf-themed room could "be one of the most inspiring episodes of WYWO yet." Um, are there a lot of inspiring episodes of WYWO? Cause I've seen a ton of them, and the only thing that's inspired me is the new hottie hot host (adios, annoying Teresa lady!), a 2GE+HER alum.

TLC, 8 p.m.

*Saturday*

Anything that features "host Mario Lopez" is a goddamn goldmine in my book, so I'm pretty stoked for the rerun of The 50 Greatest Movie Animals of All Time, hosted by A.C. Slater himself. I guess this list is hard to compile, or there aren't 50 movies that contain real animals, because the list includes the shark from Jaws, Scooby-Doo, Kermit the Frog, and King Kong. Hello? Scooby-Doo? Not an actual animal. That's like nominating Aladdin for Best Actor—apples and hand-drawn oranges, yo. How are Milo and Otis supposed to compete with Mickey Mouse? Willy is a real whale (rest in peace, Keiko)—is it cool that he ranks below the T-Rex from Jurassic Park? That shit's a puppet; he's an orca whale who just wants to get back to his pod. How are these rated, anyway? Oh, for God's sake, Mario Lopez, get with the program. I'm not going to spoil it for you by telling you who wins (just kidding, it's Toto), but this show might be a lot of bullshit.

Animal Planet, 7 p.m.

*Sunday*

Yay, it's time for the Oscars. Your yearly dose of celebrity worship and publicity whoring has finally arrived, now with more time-delays. The preshows kick into gear around 5:30, which leaves you plenty of time to familiarize yourself with the atrocious fashion before you become too sloshed to recognize who's who during acceptance speeches. The Oscars is one of the most-watched shows of the year not because they're particularly awesome but rather because absolutely nothing runs against them—Baby Geniuses en español, I'm looking at you.

ABC, 7 p.m.

*Monday*

I'm a bit late to the American Chopper party, but there's still plenty to drink in the kitchen, and they're just glad I came at all. American Chopper is as addictive as America's Next Top Model (well, almost), but with handlebar mustaches and a ton of Pepsi. The docu-show follows Paul Sr., Paul Jr., Vinnie, and Mikey as they custom-design and fabricate cuh-cuh-cuh-crazy motorcycles in their Hudson Valley, NY bike shop. Somebody at the Discovery Channel is a total visionary—this show sounds awful but is actually the most interesting and unusual show around.

Discovery, 9 p.m.

*Tuesday*

There I was, watching American Idol, no big deal, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the passive voice jumped from my TV and assaulted me, hardcore. Hard. Core. Goddamn you, passive voice, and goddamn you, Fox, for using it so liberally in your promos for Forever Eden. "Lies will be told," the commercial said. "By whom?" I wondered. "Secrets will be revealed," the commercial said. "Who will reveal them?" I asked, but to no avail. Was I intrigued by this show, where contestants can remain in a so-called paradise "for an indefinite period of time," depending on the whims of Fox execs? No! No, I do not care about you, Forever Eden. You can keep your cheesy snake-apple logo and your hideous grammar; no one liked Big Brother, and none of us will like you. Or in your language, you will be liked by no one.

Fox, 8 p.m. (starts Monday at 8 p.m.)

*Wednesday*

Oh how I love Andrew McCarthy. I didn't even mind that in St. Elmo's Fire he held his cigarette in his teeth, even though nobody really smokes like that. Now he's starring in the 13-part freaky-deaky Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital as "an enigmatic neurosurgeon," and I have to wonder, what the shit? I guess he's following fellow Bratpacker Anthony Michael Hall's lead (whatever happened to The Dead Zone?) by being a weird guy on a weird show. Yeah, the commercials for this looked kind of spooky, but how scary can a show be on network?

ABC, 8 p.m.

*Thursday*

The Office is the best comedy in recent memory; brilliant, hilarious, unique, this BBC hit deserves all its acclaim. In fact, it has earned so much critical blahblah that I shouldn't have to convince you to watch. This show will rock your socks off, U.K.-style, and then it will hide your office supplies one by one before putting your stapler into a bowl of Jell-O.

BBC America, 9 p.m.