Damian Almeida Baray

Saieh Hall, where UChicago’s world-famous Department of Economics is housed.

The University is planning to reverse its position on free speech, according to sources with knowledge of the situation. An initial price of two cents per word was announced as the cost of free expression, to be adjusted according to inflation. This change will come into effect at the end of the fiscal year.

“After careful consideration, we decided that we didn’t want students to speak,” the source, who declined to be identified out of fear they would be charged for the speech, said. “We listened carefully to what students have been saying and have made the determination that we should be compensated for listening.” 

It is unclear how the University will monitor the number of words said by students. One source suggested that the University could launch a competitive bid process for student-led start-ups to monitor students’ speech. Another said a public-private partnership could fulfill the monitoring role.

“Competitive markets will get this done well,” a source wearing a plain white t-shirt with a Supreme logo told the Maroon.

Another source said Sidechat may also be de-anonymized.

“Social media posts represent some of the most egregious examples of the pitfalls of free speech,” a supporter of the change posted on X. “People really think that their posts are worth something. We’re going to find out exactly how worthless they are.”

“This price is consistent with Adam Smith’s invisible hand,” a student in the Department of Economics told the Maroon. “Demand curves are downward sloping, and so are first amendment freedoms.”

The University’s announcement elicited sudden anger from many campus constituencies, such as The Chicago Shady Dealer, the Duck Pond Lobby, and a number of professors in less important departments.

“It’s a real shame,” one of those lesser (though tenured) professors told the Maroon. “Without the ability to make controversial statements freely, there’s really no way for me to drum up interest in my classes.” 

Other professors echoed similar sentiments. 

“Chicago continues its inexorable march towards the demise of our society,” a different anonymous professor in a recently-defunded department said. “This alienation of speech is just the latest attack on humanity by the ruling class.”

Estimates on the amount of revenue the new policy could raise are varied. The University has been looking for new ways to raise revenues as their budget crisis continues.

“Speech is one of our most undercapitalized resources,” a source in the Department of Economics said. “We’re not sure whether this will fully solve the University’s current budget crisis, but we should be able to renovate Saieh Hall. It’s been almost a decade since it’s been fully renovated. It’s completely unacceptable.”

As boiling water from a decades-old radiator sprayed on the wall, a professor in the Committee on Social Thought told the Maroon they were fascinated by the change and looked forward to studying its implications.

When asked whether to expect faculty members to oppose the change, a professor in the Department of Philosophy declined to give a straightforward answer.

“It’s really not for us to say,” the professor said while digging through their pockets to find spare change to pay for the words.

“If we had known about this change earlier, we would have picked a shorter name,” a source at the Institute for the Study of Ancient Cultures, West Asia & North Africa said.

The Maroon reached out to a number of Ph.D. students to comment on this story, but none of them were able to afford it.

The Maroon has used the entirety of its very real and very large budget to publish this many words, and so this article must end now.