We’re worth more than our MCAT scores

By Patrick Burke / March 2, 2007

At what point, exactly, between the Monica fiasco going down and the Katrina crisis swallowing Bush’s approval ratings did higher education become the New York Stock Exchange? Consensus always had it that the Ivies were trading high, the state schools were drinking well, and the University of Chicago was molding elite young minds—by beating them...

Watch out for the Regenstein’s elite Gestapo

By Patrick Burke / February 23, 2007

Due to the apocalyptically inclement weather these past few weeks, my issues of ye olde Economist, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, The New Jersey Star-Ledger, Cigar Aficionado, as well as multiple Giordano’s orders never reached me. Giordano’s failed deliveries cut the deepest, in that I was forced to...

Bush too “free” with words in State of Union

By Patrick Burke / January 26, 2007

It was all unexpectedly bearable until he mentioned his favorite word. Against all odds, Bush’s State of the Union address was materializing as a speech that was surprisingly articulate and free of millenarian innuendoes. He seemed to tackle the tough issues, like numbers involving decimals and percentages, quite adroitly. In his discussion of the immigration...

Los Angeles is still pretty warm

By Patrick Burke / January 12, 2007

On Wednesday, President Bush, like Wooderson the morning after the emergency beer bust, essentially announced that he was “getting his third wind.” This affirmation was hardly met Thursday morning with as much jubilation as the prospect of blazing en route to an Aerosmith concert, much to the consternation of your closed-minded football coach. In the...

Anyone coming back to wear the four-five? A search for present-day heros.

By Patrick Burke / November 10, 2006

It would be inappropriate to label the 1998 NBA Finals a battle of good versus evil. The duo of collagen-deficient and proud point guard John Stockton and the monotone monster Karl Malone undoubtedly was anathema to everything pure and sacred about the most poetic, exhilarating, epic sport ever played. Notwithstanding, the rest of the Utah...

My best to sellers: The state of American literature

By Patrick Burke / October 31, 2006

Hemingway, Steinbeck, Fitzgerald, Salinger, Faulkner—I’ll throw in Upton Sinclair for good measure, too—are all great American writers. Tragically, none of them will ever pick up a pen again. But one man has inherited their collective legacy of vigilant, insightful social criticism. One man has absorbed their collective uncompromising will to challenge literary boundaries. One virtuoso...

History doesn’t always repeat itself

By Patrick Burke / October 13, 2006

Apparently, there is a more newsworthy individual at UW-Madison this month than Badger running-back P. J. Hill, who annihilated the Wildcat defense last weekend with a supernatural 249-yard marathon. Although Professor of African Languages and Literature Kevin Barrett may not have any 60-yard touchdown runs in him, the continually provocative member of “Scholars for 9/11...

The Sheen of American redemption

By Patrick Burke / October 2, 2006

During my summer journey through Sicily, on an overly ambitious B.A. project, I had the pleasure of being assaulted by a variety of politically conscious thieves and would-be demagogues not wanting to splurge for first class seats on TrenItalia. On a midnight train from Palermo to Bari, as a Moroccan man was berating me in...

Albright shouldn’t waste her time on Bush

By Patrick Burke / May 23, 2006

Madeleine Albright’s marketing campaign for her new book is highly effective. Her media appearances have been characterized by articulate arguments and catchy anecdotes. But wherein lies the former statesmen, the scholar, within Albright’s book tour? Can we find anything within the content of her book that is truly novel? Is accusing and indicting George W....

Sports pundits must stick to what they know

By Patrick Burke / April 25, 2006

The recent Reggie Bush scandal has fortuitously given sports pundits something more scandalous than Keith Hernandez’s sexist remarks or the proper nickname for Lebron James in which to indulge. This scandal undoubtedly gives broadcast sportswriters the opportunity to engage in that empty investigative journalism they seem to love so much. Trey Wingo’s interview with Reggie...

Co-Op’s monopoly only harms Hyde Park

By Patrick Burke / April 14, 2006

The Co-Op Markets have come to represent an economic phenomenon of the worst kind. The fact that the franchise is still running in a purportedly capitalist society simply boggles my mind. Quite frankly, how can a supermarket chain that charges higher prices and offers lower quality products sustain itself? Are we now living in the...

Metcalfs: Only the divine need apply here

By Patrick Burke / March 3, 2006

“You have not been pre-selected for an interview at this time. Please continue submitting resumes.” How familiar has this slogan become for so many U of C students this lonely, jobless winter? Even if one is fortunate enough to attain the sacrosanct status of “pre-select,” the dispassionate e-mail vaguely discussing a deficiency of qualifications all...

Saddam’s trial has only revived his power

By Patrick Burke / February 17, 2006

There have been many eloquent apologies for the unremitting chaos of the Saddam Hussein trail. Some believe that, even though the trial may often resemble a circus more than a conventional judicial affair, it is good to see Iraqis independently executing something non-military in nature. Despite the self-empowering effect the prosecution of its former oppressor...

American business should follow Google

By Patrick Burke / January 20, 2006

At any point in its meteoric rise to the top of the business world, was Google.com truly the most efficient and convenient search engine on the web? Blinded by Google’s breathtaking success since its inception in May of 1998, it is easy to presume that the search engine was simply better than the rest. The...

Taiwan ensures healthy foreign relations

By Patrick Burke / November 21, 2005

The main issue that loomed in the shadows of this past weekend’s conference between President Bush and President Hu of China was arguably that of Taiwan’s future as an independent free democratic state. It is the fear of many hawkish policy makers that a hypothetical Chinese superpower would inevitably invade and annex Taiwan. China faces...

Sam Alito is not as bad as some might think

By Patrick Burke / November 3, 2005

George W. Bush succeeded to further sever his ties with his New Haven alma mater this past Monday through the nomination of the Tiger-turned-Bulldog Samuel Alito, Jr. to the highest court in the land. “Scalito’s” apparent shirking of perhaps the greatest New England Ivy League rivalry, attending Princeton as an undergrad and Yale for law...

Bush is kidding himself about Iraqi conflict

By Patrick Burke / October 6, 2005

The Bush Administration is not all that preoccupied with the most recent terrorist act on the part of the Sunni insurgency in Hilla. After all, once the Shiites and Kurds finally decide to include the Sunni minority of Iraq in the developing post-Baathist constitution all will be well. Once the Sunni minority of Iraq has...

Frist is too cavalier with his party’s power

By Patrick Burke / May 23, 2005

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is just getting angrier and angrier. This Wednesday he brought his coercive campaign to an entirely new level, seeking to impress upon Senate Democrats that the plans for the enactment of his infamous “nuclear option” have been set in motion. Although Frist deeply resents the term “nuclear option” for his...

Suicide bombing misses the point

By Patrick Burke / May 16, 2005

In the wake of yet another tragic suicide bombing in Iraq this Wednesday, it is more than appropriate to question the nature of the psychology behind this particular form of terrorism. Regarding the study of suicide bombing, there seem to be essentially two camps. On one side of the debate are those who view suicide...

George Bush is finally focusing on the country he was elected to serve

By Patrick Burke / May 2, 2005

Ever since the September 11 tragedy, President Bush has been acting more like the President of the world than of the United States of America. Rather than focusing on conditions within the United States, the Bush administration has been preoccupied with the affairs of other states and other peoples. The Bush administration’s new energy plan...

We must fear Bolton’s nomination

By Patrick Burke / April 21, 2005

Evident from the proceedings of this Tuesday, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee apparently feels more than a little uneasy about John Bolton’s nomination as ambassador to the United Nations. Yet although criticism is hitting Bolton from many different sources in Washington, the Bolton aversion has yet to truly materialize. Some in Washington fear Bolton’s reputation...

Bolton cannot be Ambassador to the UN

By Patrick Burke / April 14, 2005

In a time when United States foreign policy is ambiguous and volatile, John Bolton is the last person that should be representing the nation in the United Nations. As a result of the Iraq debacle, needless to say the United States already has a questionable reputation in the United Nations. It is not only the...

Iraq is ripe for ethnic conflict and tyranny

By Patrick Burke / April 5, 2005

The very fact that the newly formed Iraqi parliament is in a functional state may seem to bode future political stability. President Bush, with the utmost optimism, seems to believe the tensions that the Iraqi parliament experienced this past Tuesday are nothing more than growing pains for what he views as a nascent democratic powerhouse....

Will Michael Moore cash in on the second Bush term?

By Patrick Burke / November 15, 2004

Although George W. Bush may be Michael Moore’s greatest enemy in an ideological sense, there is no doubt that his term in the oval office has made life a little more comfortable for America’s favorite malcontent. For as much as he portrays himself as a stoic crusader for the politically alienated, Moore’s films, books, and...

Celebs work the campaign trail

By Patrick Burke / November 2, 2004

As the 2004 presidential election winds down, both President Bush and Senator Kerry have increasingly turned to pop culture to enhance their images. President Bush has recruited California “governator” Arnold Schwarzenegger to campaign with him in Ohio. John Kerry has requisitioned Bruce Springsteen to energize his campaign. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Springsteen are no ordinary,...

From Friends to Joey: where NBC went wrong

By Patrick Burke / October 28, 2004

Although NBC’s Friends spin-off (or rather, rip-off) Joey has enjoyed a level of success—attesting to the large-scale cerebral decadence of independent thought within the American public—it still is garnering only 34 percent of its progenitor’s viewers. Under the mistaken impression that anything associated with Friends would immediately inherit its prime-time dominance, NBC executives are distressed...

The myth of political crusader Ralph Nader

By Patrick Burke / October 17, 2004

In his uplifting, feel-good essay-for-the-whole-family entitled “The Myth of Sisyphus,” Albert Camus asserts the happiness of Sisyphus, a prominent figure in Greek mythology eternally doomed to push a boulder up a mound, only to see it roll down at the peak of its ascent. As Camus sees it, Sisyphus knows he is hopelessly mired in...

Presidential runner-up to host Late Night?

By Patrick Burke / October 2, 2004

Having become increasingly aware of his showbiz mortality as of late, Jay Leno recently announced that he would be ending his term as host of NBC’s Tonight Show by the year 2009. Leno’s replacement is to be none other than Harvard-educated former Simpsons writer Conan O’Brien. Conan’s acceptance of Leno’s job, of course, opens up...

Neo-cons and liberals rejoice over war budget

By Patrick Burke / November 3, 2003

The approval of President Bush’s $87.5 billion war budget is a dream come true for both neo-conservative and liberal politicians alike. Neo-conservatives are overjoyed about winning this jackpot for obvious reasons. It allows them to further their ambiguously beneficial, supposedly patriotic, disturbingly crusade-like war against terror in a place that is widely accepted as a...

Arnold could be the best thing for California since sliced bread

By Patrick Burke / October 13, 2003

Gray Davis, apparently under the impression that the American public actually cares whether he loses face or not, went on The Late Show with David Letterman Friday to take a few last, cheap shots at “the governator.” Davis did this in the form of a Top Ten list in which he gives Arnold “advice” about...

Pierce rises above poor reputation

By Patrick Burke / October 2, 2003

Pierce Tower is probably the most bashed dorm on campus. Its rooms are compared to closets and prison cells. Its food is likened to road kill and British cuisine. Outsiders are shocked to hear that co-ed bathrooms can exist somewhere outside of Amsterdam. Having heard all this trash talk before I received my housing assignment,...