What Would Phoebe Do?

By Phoebe Maltz

Left and right, Republican and Green, green and blue—today’s political landscape is one of contradiction, if not outright disagreement, if not, dare I say it, blatant refusal of all to conform to one ideology. This horrifies me to no end. Where do I stand in all this turmoil? To answer that question, I have formed my own political party. While it is entirely unofficial and has yet to have candidates, solid positions, or either tie-dyed or polo-shirt sporting followers, it is nonetheless the party that will unite America: sort of like Woodstock, only, as I already mentioned, no tie dye.

The Platform

Dress: The Phoebe Party leadership wears a combination of clothing purchased by Phoebe’s mother at sample sales, clothing purchased by Phoebe herself at such venues as the GAP, and clothing purchased by Phoebe’s mother at the GAP and affiliates.

Referring to One’s Self in the Third Person: This is highly encouraged.

Libertarian or Authoritarian: The Phoebe Party supports government-subsidized mochaccinos. The Phoebe Party does not support government subsidized hazelnut-flavored coffee. The reasoning behind this is far too complex to go into here.

Import/Export: An international drug cartel’s bright young things will be recruited to smuggle in raw milk cheese from more libertine countries until the Phoebe Party takes control of Congress and the presidency. The Party will export washed-out shirts from 8th grade and semi autobiographical high school fiction.

Environment: A court will be established to navigate the fine lines between intentional litter, inadvertent litter, and avant-garde art.

Religion: All must believe in a power greater than one’s self, be it a deity, a teacher, a better-looking, higher-achieving classmate, or a dachshund.

Branches of Government: The legislative branch will make the laws. The judiciary branch will interpret them. The executive branch will execute them. These three branches will—get this—check and balance one another’s power.

Marriage: Marriages will be conducted in carriages in order to rhyme.

Redistribution of Wealth: Nothing too drastic. One lady-who-lunches, socialite, or “social X-ray” per 10 square miles. Such women must be kept equidistant at all times.

Censorship: You can burn your own books, but not books from libraries—especially not from University libraries.

Education: One kindergartener in fifty will be taught Calculus, in order to lord it over everyone else later.

The Zone Diet: High protein, low carb; popular a few years ago, but not very tasty.

Foreign Policy: (Imperial, or is it empirical? Must consult dictionary. Hmm, that was what I meant, but I doubt it would go over well…)

Lewd Behavior: To be permitted—encouraged, even. Punishment for lascivious behavior, however, will be severe.

The Age of Consent: An era during which people tend to agree with one another.

War: I will instigate a war with the same country as did the first President Phoebe Maltz.

Arms Control: Since Phoebe is not especially coordinated, there will be very little control of arms to be found under the new regime. Just randomly swinging limbs.

Campaign Finance Reform: Otherwise known as CFR, this issue bores me and makes me think of Hillary Clinton, which makes me think of the issue of landmines—oops, that was Princess Di’s campaign. Never mind.