Ben Adams

Sports Super Mega Commander-in-Chief

1. The winner of the game will be the Buccaneers, which is weird, given that Tampa Bay has absolutely no right to professional sports of any kind. Everyone who lives there is trying to convince people that they live in Miami, which is really a sign of desperation, what with Miami being a not-particularly-good city and all. I mean to say: Bucs, 27-21.

2. e). I think we can all agree that when Bill Romanowski was born, hope was destroyed. This kind of uses Gauss’ principle of competitive exclusion, I think, as effectively as one can, under the circumstances, the circumstances being that Bill Romanowski is a known racist and distributor of illegal drugs, among other things, all of which are also bad. I wonder what the Raiders would be like if Bill Romanowski wasn’t the worst person ever.

3. I’m going with Shaun King. Can’t spell his own name right, and benched in favor of two of the crappier quarterbacks ever to look similar and have the same last name. Plus Mirer can throw with either hand. Greg A. Harris could do that, and he was on the Red Sox. As if it weren’t already obviously cool.

4. This one has to go to Bill Callahan. Jon Gruden’s parrot is tired, because Gruden sleeps three hours a night. (Jon Gruden’s parrot is also addicted to painkillers, for reasons that remain somewhat mysterious.) Also, Gruden is not calm enough to stroll anywhere. Callahan’s parrot will be black (like death), in keeping with team colors and the whole graveyard chic thing.

5. Yes, but they’re pressing their luck. You may note that San Diego “already [has] the only warm weather in the country” (12). But that shouldn’t mean that they don’t get anything, because as Rainier Rilke wrote in Letters to a Young Poet, “sometimes you get to have warm weather and a Super Bowl, if it happens to be there that year,” (26). Bonus points because in English, San Diego’s baseball team would be called the Fathers.

Tim Miller

Viewpoints Lord High Executioner

1. Raiders 30, Buccaneers 21. Raiders have quasi-home-field advantage. Also, the Raiders have, in the past, beaten the ‘Skins in Super Bowls. They also routinely thwart the Broncos. Since I owe allegiance to the Washington/Denver axis, and the Universe has decreed that I must never be happy, it follows that the Raiders (a.k.a. agents of Satan) and their own traitor (Bill Romanowski) will win.

2. Bill Romanowski has no soul. He opens his mouth and winged caecodemons fly out. I mean, why else would someone exclude himself from Denver to play with the unmentionable team whom I have previously named on several occasions.

3. Rick Mirer played for Seattle; Bill Gates lived near Seattle. This means something bad for Mirer.

4. The parrot of Bill Callahan will be silver and black, and will repeate “traitors…arr.” Jon Gruden’s parrot is the color of broken dreams.

5. Yes, cuz San Diego rox. Note my ironic spellings.

Tom Zimpleman

Voices Quitter

1. I am officially on the Tampa Bay bandwagon, which took the time to stop in front of my house this weekend and shove aside dispossessed Miami fans. Malcolm Glazer sprang for the Volvo Bandwagon 5000, which is the most comfortable bandwagon ever crafted. Bucs, 31-24.

2. Well, assuming I’ve assigned the variable correctly, spitting in the face of an opposing receiver and then questioning his manhood when he refuses to fight back, plus being indicted for illegally acquiring diet pills, slightly outweighs temporarily crippling and opposing player who had no chance of making a play. Plus, all Raiders on the list are given karmic jerk points due to the existence of Jack “the Assassin” Tatum. So, Romanowski.

3. Got to be Shaun King, as Rick Mirer seems to be aware of his mediocrity and never berated a coach on the sidelines for cautioning him against turning the ball over. Or at least never did it with an NFL Films crew standing nearby.

4. Jon Gruden is inappropriately nicknamed, as his volatile moods make even Chucky look possessed of a zen-like calm. Whereas Bill Callahan is the Francis of Assisi of the NFL, and will doubtless let a parrot join the flock of doves swirling about his head. It will be green, but paradoxically named Bluey.

5. Well, I’m torn here. I’d say that being blessed with perfect weather is enough for the city of San Diego, plus they are responsible for the horrific basketball skills of the Clippers. But my older bother is the official Zimpleman Family Representative to the West Coast, and lives in San Diego. So yes, absolutely.

Dan Ankeles

Sports Busybody

1. Whoever wins will reflect the spirit of America, just like the Patriots last year. Personally I really like Pirates because they get carried away all the time. Once the two teams finally face each other, they will realize what they have in common and decide to loot and plunder the people in the stands. Arr. Bucs 30, Raiders 27.

2. Yeah, I’ll go with answer f), Mike Sherman. Oh wait, that’s not answer? Well then I’ll go with Keyshawn for having more first names than he’s allowed. Romanowski’s too hapless to even realize he does jerky things. Gruden gets a free pass for getting Brad Johnson to play like a good quarterback for many consecutive games. Sapp is exempt because I liked his cornrows for a while. Gannon only sounds like the bad guy in Zelda. It’s not really him.

3. King, because the two Johnsons are actually better than him. Sad.

4. The Raiders’ parrot will wear spiked shoulder armor, even though birds have no shoulders. He will also look suspiciously like Al Davis. The Bucs’ parrot will be wearing a Colts uniform and say “Rrrraaa! Where did I fail? Throw me a frikin’ bone here!”

5. Ask me again when they hold the Super Bowl in Cincinnati. No, but seriousy, I don’t know if Sunny San Diegoans can handle a Pirate Bowl maturely. What if they all show up wearing those poofy shirts and uber-waxed mustaches? Shiver me timbers? Just kill me now.

Annie Aydinian

Directorate of Sports Spin Doctor

1.Okay guys, so football isn’t really my sport. I prefer games played on the ice with sticks or on the pitch with my feet. I might not know much, but I do know the answer to number three.

Bucs, 30-24.

2. d) Just evil, E-V-I-L.

3. Here it is, question three, and the answer is Rick Mirer. As a young girl growing up in the house of Notre Dame alums, with Notre Dame uncles, cousins, and childhood friends, I believed that Mirer’s term as quarterback would be memorable–wrought with huge wins, multiple stompings of BC and USC, and championships. Another great quarterback to go into the Irish Hall of Fame. However, Mirer proved to be memorable in a different way. He wrote a letter to Joe Montana asking if he would lend Mirer the #3 jersey to wear. Montana said yes. Mirer sucked at South Bend. Say it ain’t so, Joe? Mirer sullied the jersey. He deserves worse, but not getting a ring will have to do.

4. Parrot? Why have a parrot when you can have Captain Hook on your sideline? Peter Darling as your towel boy? Tiger Lily with the cheerleaders? I see an opportunity for Disney, owners of ABC, ESPN, everything that used to be sacred in sports, etc., to promote the rerelease of Peter Pan on IMAX. Or better yet, Tinkerbell on their shoulders? Clap to help her out! CLAP, DAMMIT, SHE CAN’T HEAR YOU!

5. Do they? Isn’t life already perfect in San Diego?

Pete Beatty

Father, Mother, Secret Lover

1. My grandpa George supports the Bucs. I support my grandpa George. Grandpa Beatty has no stated preference. With a final grandpa vote of Bucs 1, Raiders 0, 1 abstaining, the Bucs have it. Final score: 23-20.

2. This is a pointless question. Putting Bill Romanowski on a list and asking people to pick out the biggest jerk is like putting Yao Ming in a lineup and asking people to pick out the 7’6″ Chinese guy.

The racism, the drug pushing, the dirty play. It all sort of runs together. And it’s (sort of) an act. Romo’s sins are so familiar as to become forgivable. But don’t take that to mean I want to stop hating Romanowski. I just want new reasons to hate him. In that spirit, it’s come time for me to disclose that Bill Romanowski sent my family to an internment camp in the late 1980s, and also spit on Nelson Mandela during a sand football game at a UNICEF benefit.

3. Rick Mirer + Shaun King = hick insuring remark. With that knowledge firmly in hand, I think this question is clearly racist.

4. Probably team colors. Then again, I don’t know that parrots naturally come in colors like pewter or silver. Maybe the parrot could wear a small team-logo sweater vest. Or be made out of semi-precious-to-precious metals. Here’s what I really think: These two idiots will either eat the parrot or make sexual propositions towards the parrot within five minutes of laying eyes on the poor thing, so let’s just forget you asked, you pervert.

5. People, yes. Fugitive tyrannosaurs, probably. I think I need a new approach to this question. Does Leopold Bloom “deserve” to “watch” Gertie McDowell? Big time. What about Harold Bloom? Do I deserve to “watch” the Super Bowl? My goodness no. Why on earth would you ever think I would do that?

Moacir P. De Sá Pereira

Voices Hidden Treasure

1. Ursula Buendia measures her family’s history from an attack on her village by noted Pyrat Sir Walter Raleigh. In other words, people in it just for the money have been around a long, long time, and it seems odd that only now, in the age of Voodoo Economics II, do we see Privateer vs. Privateer. As a result, who wins? The Free Market, you idiot.

2. Even though Rich Gannon committed the awful crime of enslaving Princess Zelda, Bill Romanowski wins among this crowd. Even his tacit endorsement of serious, heavy, oral narcotics abuse can’t save him this time around. Add in the True Facts about his homophobia, his rampant hatred for non-Slavs, and his generally overwhelming stench of Michael Jordan-brand cologne, and, well, it’s a surprise he doesn’t sleep alone. Speaking of intense drug abuse, I feel that I can leak now in this public forum that Jon Gruden is already on the books to be a spokesman for Zocor. My legal team of crack lawyers named me hasn’t perused the contract yet, so we can’t tell you if the escalators kick in if he wins or loses this Super Bowl. As for Warren Sapp, well, look for him in ads involving lots of “ij” in several words and a giant green leaf and, well, um…

3. Roger Clemens

4. In no other sport do assistant coaches play such an important role, and to reduce them to perching Iagos seems a bit unfair. That said, the more important question here is: “Which parrot would break more heads?” Though the Tampa parrot may be buoyed by years of experience, being a senior citizen and all, it seems like the Oakland parrot may be tougher. Then again, the main way of deciding is: Which parrot is more likely to have steel-tipped his feathers as a youth in Tommy Vercetti’s drug empire in Vice City??? That, clearly, is the Tampa parrot. Result: Roger Clemens will cry like a baby. A DEAD BABY, CRYING.

5. The people of San Diego seem to be a spoiled band of cokeheads who attend academically insincere institutions that cater only to people with $200,000 to spend on… well, ahem, that and some guy with a funny mole on his cheek. I can’t imagine how much hell Drew has to face among the body Nazis who make up the thought police in southern L.A. All I can say to the portlier member of the NFL teams: flash the cash fast, since it’s the best way to avoid getting lacerated in a “fat-dumping” measure. Oh, and Warren? that wiki-stik is dipped in Botox, not embalming fluid.

Kyle Holtan

Respects Your Needs and Desires As A Person

1. The real winners will be the rest of America, the people dwelling in the suburbs and not attending parties with bands, the people who still don’t realize their vehicle is called an SUV, much less that it makes them evil. These are the lucky, happy few who haven’t had the pirate’s “Aaaaaaaaaaar” played out for them yet. Except for the unlucky among them who saw Cutthroat Island; they, like you and me, are really getting sick of “Aaaaaaaaaaar,” and won’t be able to comfortably and with abandon incorporate it into their Super Bowl festivities. Boobus Americanus thus wins, 1588-0.

2. The niche: KCNC-TV Denver sports briefs, my only source of sports knowledge. Romo, a mainstay ally of the good guys, was suddenly revealed as a drug-addicted turncoat like Orrie in the last Nero Wolfe book, but stayed on as a regular through occasional glimpses into the enemy camp. These vignettes introduced Gannon to the menagerie, but he ultimately couldn’t even make it to Phil-the-Bum status thanks to a lack of character or expectoration. These other chumps didn’t even make the cast until Aimee Sporer had turned 30 and the briefs had totally jumped the shark.

3. Which one of them is more reminiscent of Martin Lawrence and Woody Harrelson?

4. Gruden, Krylon MystiqueTM Color2Color Aerosol, 1442 Magenta/Gold

(See E.A. Poe, “Romance”

Romance…

To me a painted paroquet

Hath been–most familiar bird–

Taught me my alphabet to say,

To lisp my very earliest word.)

5. The people of San Diego did nothing to help Sidney Poitier keep River Phoenix out of Tijuana and keep our Air Force Academy pure, Lou Gossett, Jr., who has not been proven not to be from San Diego, similarly polluted our youngest and most picturesque military academy by recommending Jason Gedrick for appointment. Who made them senators? Raymond Chandler can watch the Super Bowl, but just so he can whine about it in Monday’s paper.

Whet Moser

Paper-pusher

1. Given that Brad Johnson did not actually throw for 24 TDs and Rich Gannon threw for more than the 26 he is credited for, the Raiders will win 38-31, although the actual score will be 45-17.

2. Jon Gruden has done very little to be deemed a jerk besides look very much like a jerk, and to appear in People Magazine as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World. Women want him, men want a man to succeed who is wanted by women and looks like Chucky. Does this sound like a jerk to you?

Warren Sapp: Not actually a jerk, but plays one on TV. Which he’s very good at, leading to the false impression that he’s the biggest jerk in this year’s Super Bowl. In fact, he’s merely being a jerk for our own edification. In this sense Warren Sapp would be played by Michael Rappaport in the movie about this year’s Super Bowl. Who would in turn be played by Kerry Collins. If you follow this logic as well as I do, then you will realize that Warren Sapp is not too big a jerk.

Rich Gannon: Included on this list only because the editor-in-chief of The Chicago Maroon, who is a jerk, does not like Rich Gannon. I see no reason to respond further.

Keyshawn Johnson/Bill Romanowski: Gentle readers will assume that Bill Romanowski is Satan. Actually, Keyshawn Johnson is Satan, a fallen, marginally charming talent who asked for too much and then became merely a jerk. There’s something compellingly mortal about Keyshawn Johnson. Bill Romanowski, however, is obviously immortal, playing in his 14th NFL season by inhabiting the body of a biker serial killer after a busy life spent killing Archduke Ferdinand and drugging Brian Wilson. He’s the Zelig of sports jerks. Searching Google for “bill romanowski jerk” yields 78 hits, compared to 29 for Jack Tatum (Ryan Adams: 806; Ted Bundy: 1,100). Bill Romanowski is the biggest jerk in sports history, if one uses the word “jerk,” which one is advised to do with great caution.

3. Rick Mirer is still in the NFL?

4. Unless Bill Romanowski kills Bill Callahan with a hypodermic needle, forcing the sudden recruitment of Steve Mariucci as Raiders coach (the only parrot-inclined current or former NFL coach), we will not see a parrot on the sidelines of the Super Bowl.

5. The people of San Diego are responsible for the worst Super Bowl in history–in the sense that the citizens of San Diego supported a team that, for vague and possibly corrupt reasons (“winning the AFC championship”), was allowed to play the Steve Young-era 49ers. Pete Rozelle had to be exhumed and stabbed through the heart in a pagan ceremony for Stan Humphries and Natrone Means to appear in the Super Bowl. Junior Seau does not a city redeem, so, no.