Fundamentals of flirting

A quick but rigorous education in the philosophy of seduction.

By Sarah Zimmerman

We all know that one of the main reasons we’re in college is because we want to be noticed by some mega hotties. At least that’s why I’m here. No, seriously. I’m a fundamentals major and my fundamental question concerning the totality of human existence is “Why Won’t Boys Notice Me?” Well, Nietzsche says I have a great personality but just don’t put myself out there enough (probably, I never actually cared enough to read him thoroughly). Freud, on the other hand, says that I have unresolved sexual feelings toward my father (no, thank you). Not to mention the greatest philosopher Smash Mouth, who told me that I’ll “never know if I don’t go.” Truly inspirational stuff. You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.

That’s why I decided to finally join the dating scene of UChicago. You’re welcome, boys. However, I was a bit surprised at the lack of prospective candidates. It’s almost as if the people here are thinking about things other than dating me. Which is a preposterous notion. I think people are just shy and don’t know how to do it right. To be honest, though, I don’t blame them. Flirting is hard and the prospect of rejection can turn anybody off the idea altogether.

But don’t worry! I have a list of foolproof flirting tips that will give you the confidence you need to ask me (or anybody else, if you have to practice) out. These are statistically guaranteed to work (I used a sample size of n = one gazillion and did an SRS using my graphing calculator, so you know it’s legit). Keep these tips in mind next time you see your crush, and they will be so overcome with desire, that they’ll have to go out with you.

1. Giggle at everything they say. Everyone likes to think they’re funny, so laugh at everything your crush says. To up the sexual tension, giggle while licking your lips. To make yourself irresistible (and this is for advanced flirts only), giggle, lick your lips, and rub your belly with your left hand while patting your head with your right.

2. Give your crush a gift. Just last week, I made this guy a sweater out of my own tears.

3. Flirt through text messages. I suggest texting “Mmmmm” with no explanation. Or your favorite quote from a romance novel. Example: “You are my life now” ­–Stephanie Meyer. If you’re afraid that they’ll lose the message or ignore it, just keep trying every 2-4 minutes.

4. If you’re watching a movie with your crush, pretend to be scared. This is prime cuddling time. To sell your fear, try hysterically crying or uncontrollably wetting yourself.

5. Impress your crush with your intelligence! Walk around in a lab coat and carry an Erlenmeyer flask wherever you go. Also bring up as much economic terminology as possible. It doesn’t have to make sense. Example: “Hey, Doug, I’ve been thinking a lot about utility lately. Anyway, using the Nash equilibrium, I decided that our nominal value is much like the Herfindahl-Hirschman index. There is visible trade. Please date me.”

6. Don’t ever let there be a lull in conversation. If it becomes even remotely awkward, impress them by doing 40 sit-ups.

7. Become edgy and hardcore. Everyone loves a bad boy/girl. Don’t talk to your crush at all. If they engage you, act disinterested and like your life is extremely complicated and difficult. Only wear black. Take up smoking.

All of these tips have one important, underlying theme: don’t be yourself. Trust me on this, it’s a bad idea. I’ve run the numbers, and it turns out that nobody likes you as you are right now. Maybe it’s the hair, I don’t know. You kind of give off a bad vibe. When presenting yourself to your crush, just try being somebody else and do things you would never do normally. If a relationship starts to develop, just keep it up for the rest of your life. You may be living a lie, but at least you’re getting laid.

Sarah Zimmerman is a second-year in the College majoring in English.