Party like a pro

Or at least not like a first-year.

By Kayleigh Voss

Two out of the four weekends of this school year, my roommate and I have hosted a party in our apartment. These experiences, though mostly enjoyable, were not totally unproblematic. It has come to my attention that all first-years (and a discouraging proportion of upperclassmen) attending these parties were in need of some direction. Unbeknownst to you, the influence of drink did not render you all pleasant conversationalists, polite houseguests, and fantastic dancers. You are young (i.e. drunk); you know not what you do. But I am less young, and was less drunk. Therefore, I am in the perfect position to distribute some wisdom. Allow me to provide some apartment party etiquette:

1. Do not leave your abandoned cups of fruit punch and vodka behind my TV like some trashy Easter egg for me to find the week after. Just put it in the garbage. Come on. Never be too drunk to find the garbage can.

2. Do not drink my personal Kahlua that I hid (as a naïve and short person would, on top of the fridge), you greedy, drunken bastards. I am thus disillusioned with humanity as a whole.

3. You are spilling everywhere. What is wrong with you? Put the drink in your mouth. Just put it right in your dumb mouth hole. Drink it. Moron.

3. Do not eat my fancy-ass yogurt with dark chocolate chips in it. It is never in stock at Treasure Island, and it is my life force. Do not even ask me if you can eat this yogurt. You’re causing me undue stress. Now I have to monitor the fridge. Get out.

4. Stop screaming. I’m going to scream at you so you will know how inappropriately loud you are right now. I’m also drunk. But I’m in charge, fuckers.

5. DO NOT FUCKING BREAK MY FUCKING DECORATIVE PLATES??? I am trying to have a NICE HOME here with NICE THINGS. Jesus Christ, were you raised in a zoo? No offense to zoo animals, who have never broken ANY of my decorative plates, because they have some shred of DIGNITY and RESPECT.

6. Do. Not. Throw. Up. In. My. Apartment. Do not throw up in my apartment. Do NOT throw up in my apartment. DO NOT THROW UP IN MY APARTMENT. Do not do this.

7. Loosen up, sheesh. Have a good time.

Kayleigh Voss is a third-year in the College majoring in English.