At the highly selective college that I am going to found, I will work hard to create a flawless admissions process. I will grapple with how to promote diversity while avoiding punishing those who are white or non-diverse minorities. I will see to it that I promote geographic diversity while assuring that students from non-boonie areas are made to feel welcome. Here is the application I have come up with:

A. Name:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how ethnic does your name sound?

2. What ethnicity, if any, might your name denote?

3. Are there any naturally blond people in your family, barring albinism?

4. Did any of your ancestors come over on the Mayflower?

5. Which family did you identify with more when you saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

B. Address:

1. So, a lot of rich/poor/black/ Asian/beautiful people live in that zip code, right?

2. Which are you?

3. Are you a hick? Or, if you’d prefer, are you a Hick-American? Please list all hick paraphernalia you and your family possess.

C. Hardships:

1. When you read Angela’s Ashes, did Frank McCourt’s account of sucking grease off of other people’s old fish-and-chips newspapers remind you of your lunch?

2. When given the choice between Gap and Banana Republic, which do you choose?

3. How many handicapped younger siblings did you raise single-handedly from age five on? Please answer this question only if the number is seven or more.

4. How much, on a scale of 1 to 10, have you suffered?

D. Race:

1. Which large-scale racist catastrophe enslaved, killed, or oppressed people who look more or less like you?

2. Would you describe your group as under-, over-, or just-right represented at institutions of higher learning?

3. What derogatory words are you called most frequently?

E. Sexual Orientation:

1. Would you describe your group as under-, over-, or just-right represented in the fashion industry and in women’s sports?

2. Is something other than a desire not to be killed preventing you from joining the U.S. Armed Forces?

F. Creed:

1. Do you believe?

2. “Do you believe in life after love?”–Cher

3. Which people, if any, would you describe as heathens?

G. Pets:

1. Do you have any pets?

2. What are their names?

H. Extracurricular Activities:

1. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

2. Would you describe all of your activities as “extracurricular?”

I. Peer Recommendation: Have a classmate who knows you well fill this out.

1. How popular is______, on a scale of 1 to 10?

2. Be honest here: how attractive is ______?

3. How many drugs are we looking at ______ bringing to college?

J. Grades, SATs, ACTs: (optional)