Coolness of team names matters more than actual teamwork

By Jesson Yeh

IM teams come up with really stupid team names.

Take for example Graham house from Max Palevsky Central, which calls itself Graham Coed. Originality and creativity–these are things that Graham, formerly known as New House, does not understand.

With the exception of Real Ultimate Power (an ultimate Frisbee team), most teams direly need a sense of humor. There also appears to be a direct correlation between “suckiness” and name originality. Soccer teams like Maclean Coed, Henderson Coed, Woodward Men, Evil Team, Steaks, Rickert Coed, and MAPHers have put up a collective record of 2-6-2. Teams with better names like the Barbarians, Cremaster FC, Smoking Fish, Last Quarter, and Dogstar Coed have a record of 8-1-0.

Vijay Narendran from Maclean Coed contributed his view: “Well, honestly, my team played like potatoes because of our name. We were all heart at the beginning; now we have regressed faster than I do after a very cold shower.”

After annihilating Winning Eleven 3-0 a week ago, Josh Boochemy from the After School Special explained, “I had to play through our stupid team name. It was an uphill battle from the start, but when we win the gold, it’ll be a moral victory for the unfortunates who have names as awful as ours.”

The past week, soccer teams struggled through sleet and snow to play 30 crucial matches, some of which ended in a matter of seconds.

First, a highly anticipated match between Linn House Coed and Compton Fighting Kiwis Coed, ended with a Linn 10-2 blowout in a match that lasted for only 10 minutes. Forwards McHaley and Tom Maguire each took turns doing cartwheels with their shirts flagrantly over their heads. While gleefully scoring at will, team Linn fed the ball to their 7-foot forwards who dominated from the very start.

In other IM soccer action, Club Gemelli trounced the Cougar Conspiracy, 6-1.

In one of the most drawn-out games of IM sports history, the match between Fire Dragon and Rubber Policeman did not fail to live up to its hype. The soccer game was intense and extremely physical from the very start. Combined, the two teams had 14 yellow cards, 5 reds, and an ear-biting incident that happened before the final whistle. Fire Dragon, who entered the game the clear favorite, was surprised by Rubber Policeman’s tenacity. Fire Dragon had trouble advancing the ball past Rubber Policeman several times, encountering a tremendous wall of defense that stymied their once-fluid passing.

Fire Dragon was soon worn down by Rubber Policeman’s team play. Only the brilliance of Fire goalie “Tony the Tiger” kept the game so close for so long. It was only at the very end of the game that team Policeman unleashed a burst of offense, leaving Tony helpless. Final score: Fire Dragon more, RubberPoliceman less.

With the soccer season almost over, IM softball’s season is about to begin. Due to the women’s varsity recent postseason loss to Illinois Wesleyan University, the University’s softball field by 55th Street is now available for coed and men’s softball games.

IM Ultimate Frisbee is also ready to begin this Friday, as the five men’s and nine coed teams will battle for glory on the Midway.