Pearls of Wisdom

By Lila Pearl

Dear Lila Pearl,

I find myself in a singular, somewhat distressing situation. I appear to have a certain charm for cats (felines, naturally) and whenever I am in their presence, they fill the air with their plaintive cries and very sensual purring.  It seems they can’t get enough of me.  But with women, I’m down on my luck.  How would you suggest I translate my success with cats to, err, women?

Lost in a Feline Paradise

Dear Lost,

As far as Lila Pearl has observed, cats and women desire fairly different things out of a relationship, and what charms one species may leave the other quite cold. Perhaps you get a better response from cats than you do from women because you treat them nicer. But in the case that you are just confused, here are a few guidelines.

Meditate on this: Take your average cat; if you fucked, serenaded, fucked, talked to, wooed, treated (and thought of) it as an actual human being with a mind and spiritual essence as vast as your own, it may very well leave you, scarred for life (in the first and third instances), or merely stare blankly at a wall and then begin to groom itself. Now take your average woman. Lila Pearl can’t offer one single trick that will win you success with all women, but personally, she can’t say ‘no!’ to a warm cardboard box, a gentle hand scratching behind her ears and a lovely saucer of milk and brandy.

Still not sure why cats purr while women look vague? Lila Pearl wonders if you should maybe give up on women and consider the rich value of your feline relationships. There’s more to life than pussy (errr, feminine love). And a cat can be a wonderful life mate. Or perhaps you only need to reevaluate your idea of success.

May we turn to Ulysses for further guidance? At the U of C?!? Of course we can! “We were always loyal to lost causes,” the Professor said. “Success, for us, is the death of the intellect and the imagination.”


Lila Pearl

Dear Lila Pearl,

How do you ask someone out if you don’t regularly see them in person and don’t have their phone number?  E-mail seems like such a pussy way to do things, and yet that’s the only current guaranteed manner of contact.  Your thoughts? Also, is your friend Anat single? Because over the last few months I’ve found that I have a big thing for redheads. I’ll tell you more later about this water polo-playing, redheaded girl I was seeing at the beginning of this summer (before my big political job stole my life and free time). Also, let me know whenever I cross the line with asking about your friends.  I can be so impetuous.


Eager for Etiquette

Dear Eager,

Aside from e-mail, there are several courtship-initiating alternatives. You could write her a letter, you could ask a mutual friend to set you up, you could find out where she lives and what her class schedule is and follow her around all day. But aren’t those paths all a bit too well worn? According to the Complete Encyclopedia of Magic: The Gathering and The Loss, there are other ways to win the heart of a woman you rarely see. Why not wait until the full moon, then strip naked and gather moss growing on the east side of the large oak tree behind the Museum of Science and Industry? At first light, return to your kitchen, light eight red candles and split open the belly of a live rabbit. Make a soup of the blood and moss and wait. Pretty soon your only problem will be how to empty your inbox quickly enough so that you can receive all of your ladylove’s emails. But consider this: As a poet Lila Pearl heard at a reading last week said, “I hate it when people think poetry is about sex. It’s about supper.”

As for LP’s redheaded darling, those sorts of questions don’t often apply to her, and certainly not on a Monday or Tuesday. To go right to the source: Says Anat, “I mean like, yes, I want to be enchanted. And e-mails are nice too. But I’m just not sure why it matters if I’m single or not. “


Lila Pearl

Dear Lila Pearl,

So what does one do when one desires someone who is totally hawt and just doesn’t have much to say? Let us say that s(he) is a couple years younger and none too smart, but for whatever reason, we have to talk to him/her, instead of merely just sleeping with him/her and making cute noises. What is the array of options one could pursue (preferably not including giving up trying to sleep with him/her)?


Bored and Horny

Dear Boring,

Let’s go through the looking glass a moment.

“Crawling at your feet!” said the Gnat (and Alice drew back her feet in great alarm). “Is a Bread and Butter fly?”

“And what does it live on?”

“Weak tea with cream in it.”

A new difficulty came into Alice’s head. “Supposing it couldn’t find any?” she suggested.

“Then it would die, of course.”

“But that must happen very often,” Alice remarked thoughtfully.

“It always happens,” said the Gnat.

Want to fuck stupid girls but don’t care for their conversation? Lila Pearl wonders why you don’t exert your energies in finding a woman whose tête-à-tête is as fascinating as her tits. But maybe you’re not ready. Options to pursue with the stupid women? Forget it. If what they offer doesn’t satisfy, and you don’t want to try to find the real thing, then Lila Pearl suggests you supplement your carnal activities with online chatting.


Lila Pearl

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