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April 12, 2002

Dear Diary

This one goes out to a young man who thinks he hasn't seen anything good today

RECORDED BUT NEVER RELEASED

Are deaf people really missing that much, as far as music goes? I know that on TV they

THEME: CH-CH-CHA-CHANGES

Good Expansions

Expos/Blue Jays/Nordiques/Senators: Milk ads in stadiums, nationalized health care. Height of average Canadian male in year 2081: Nine feet.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Once, Roman Hamrlik. Usually, my grandpa. Nice unis, good colors. It's Tampa. When Miami sinks into the ocean, you will finally understand.

San Diego Padres: Conflations of colonialistic religion and baseball always result in something good. Padres no exception. Although I kind of think they traded a tad heavy on their longterm Karma by getting to the 1998 Series just to get cornpoled by the armies of evil.

Columbus Bleu Jackets: Civil War not over, we must gird for battle, Columbus will be heart of Ohio megalopolis after rise of global warlords, plus other unspecified reasons.

Florida Marlins: Mother Nature dictates this. If 1993 corresponds to love and 1997 corresponds to hate, then 2002 must correspond to love again.

New Mexico, Arizona: Country needed arid southwestern region so that idea of "getting lost in desert" had more impact. Plus, did we really want Utah representing us to Mexico?

Oregon: Why not? Some character issues early in career, but they used to say that about Allen Iverson, and look at him.

Alaska: Country needed frigid wasteland to keep things interesting.

Mountain Dew Code Red: I can't remember the last time I was this excited about a new beverage. I was skeptical at first, what with the stupid name and thinly veiled racial profiling entailed. But it's really good. Plus, it's as real as the streets, and apparently Chris Webber didn't embezzle enough money at UM, so he needs to shill for the Dew. And I like it because it's cherry. The only way this beverage could go up in my estimation involves Darius Miles and Edgar Renteria.

Small Baltic states: As Bill Simmons would say, the UCR (Unintentional Comedy Ratio) is off the charts. Lithuania alone has given us the Lithuanian Olympic hoop team, Johnny Unitas and Charles Bronson.

Bad Expansions

Faces with Rod Stewart: One, disgraced legacy of Small Faces. Two, gave Rod Stewart a set of keys to EVERY NIGHTMARE I HAVE EVER HAD.

Slovakia: One, they shited their dreams of Olympic gold until they revive old Soviet steroid baby program. Two, who got Prague?

Iowa: You can have Nebraska, Kansas, and even the Dakotas. But you will never sell me on the need for Iowa.

Josta: I don't care how good "real guarana is, this shit didn't even hold a candle to Pocari Sweat, which rules, FYI.

Hawaii: Just a complete liability as far as I am concerned.

Colorado Rockies: Look, I'm sorry, but are the roads there even paved?

Devil Rays/Diamondbacks: Devil Rays slowly winning my heart, but it'll be a few years..

Panthers/Jaguars: Hate for Brunell. Panthers were a lot cooler with unreconstructed Kerry Collins. Plain dull since Fred Lane died and Rae Carruth got sent up for life.

Nashville/Atlanta Predators/Thrashers: Are we going to finish Reconstruction? If we do, the plan should NOT involve hockey. And what does Nashville have to do with sabretooth tigers?

Texas: Whole state is a disaster.

Charlotte Hornets: Charlotte used to have J.R. Reid, so you'll forgive me the conceit of exclusively associating the Hornets with J.R. Reid. And I exclusively associate J.R. Reid with punching A.C. Green. The MAROON does not truck with punching middle-aged virgins.

Andrew W.K.: If this is American music, then the terrorists have already won. Same goes for the Strokes and Nirvana, while I'm thinking about it.

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S WINDY

News you can use and whatnot:

Could the weather be any nicer?

No, probably not. It only gets hotter and crappier from here. In a month and a half, this area will be unliveably hot. And the days before that happens, well, they were going to suck anyway. And I am also predicting 30 days of rain at some point.

THE TALKING HEADS ARE OVER-RATED

For discussion: Hockey. Has it jumped the shark?

Topics

A) Too many players recovering from cancer

If everybody keeps recovering, pretty soon there won't be any heartwarming returns from cancer, because no one will ever die. Maybe this applies on a broader scale than to merely hockey but hear me out. I can think of at least eight (two) hockey players who have successfully recovered from cancer in maybe the last two weeks.

OK, look. I like Saku Koivu as much as the next person. Actually, I probably like him a lot more than the next person. But if people keep recovering from cancer, it will cease to carry such inspirational cache. Forget I said anything

B) Rampant overexpansion

C) No more fighting

D) Went from best video game sport to a tie for fourth. See list.

BEST VIDEO GAME SPORTS

1 American Football

2 Football

3 Baseball

4T Hockey

4T Basketball

5 Dodgeball

6 Qbert

7 Jumping over ice cream cones and giant crevasses in an otherwise normal sidewalk

8 Winter biathlon

9 "Combat Basketball" Thank you Bill Laimbeer!

SONGS OF LOVE AND HATE

Don't call me a reactionary.

Everytime God closes a door, he opens a window.

DEAD CELEBRITIES, C-D (ABRIDGED)

Candy, John; actor; heart attack (March 4, 1994)

Second City TV; Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Cassidy, Jack; 50, actor; died in a fire from smoking in bed (December 12, 1976)

Father of Patrick and Shaun Cassidy, step-father of David Cassidy

Cobb, Ty, 74, baseball player; cancer, diabetes, chronic heart disease (July 17, 1961)

Cole, Nat "King", 45, singer; died after surgery for lung cancer (February 15, 1965)

Connors, Chuck, 71; actor; lung cancer (November 10, 1992)

The Rifleman

Coward, Noel, 73, playwright, entertainer; heart attack (March 26, 1973

Davis, Jr., Sammy, 64, entertainer; throat cancer (1990)

Dewhurst, Colleen, 67, actress, lung cancer (1991)

Disney, Walt, 65, animator, producer; lung cancer (acute circulatory collapse following an operation to remove a tumor) (December 15, 1966)

THINGS I PAID FOR TODAY

1. Baguette segments

2. Small tub of hummus (w/ red peppers)

3. Mountain Dew Code Red

4. Water

5. Diet Coke

6. Regular Coke

7. Mini Fudge rounds

8. Dirt (inadvertent)

9. Smackitflibitrubitdowninthinkohno

10. ithinkineedabodybag

11. yakmeedbuddhadowadett

12. songofabakerbythesmallfaces

13. olympicgoldmedalsforrowdygaines

14. she'sabitpushy

15. forget i said anything