NEWS

  /  

October 25, 2007

MY EYEBROWS ARE DARKER THAN YOUR SOUL

By Christopher J. Dodd, guest columnistHi there, America. It’s me, Christopher Dodd, senior senator from the great state of Connectiucut and candidate for the Democratic nomination. After John Edwards's distastrous $400 haircut (the biggest waste of money since Iraq, am I right?), I’m here to offer you a few tips from the trail on how to act presidential, and who better to talk to you about presidential appearances than me, Christopher Dodd.If there’s one thing Americans know about me, it’s that I am adept at furrowing my right eyebrow while keeping my left one perfectly still. You see, like this:Just like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, right? You’re probably wondering how I do it. A magician never reveals his tricks. Ha, no, I’m only joking! It’s quite simple, actually: I mix crazy glue and turpentine and watch hours and hours of footage of Peter Gallagher on “The O.C.” as the mixture sets, then I apply liberally for that perfect rigidity.Notice, too, how I purse my lips to acquire that perfect facial balance. More like a contrast, actually. A facial contrast. I think it really brings out the edginess and depth of my persona. The eyes are telling you “YES!” but my mouth is just like “mmmmmm.” Subdued, yet still somehow electric.That’s why I wear this hair piece. Do you like it? I stole it from Leslie Nielsen back in the early’80s. That’s right, right after he made Airplane. He’s great, that Leslie. I met him through Carrie Fisher—we used to be item, didya know? I used to be a part of that whole scene, back then.But I'm a serious candidate now. Which is I way I announced today that I am anti-Fire. If you'll allow me, I'll quote myself:

"In a Dodd Administration, never again will our houses be on fire..."
BOOM. The days of having to share a bus with Mike Gravel are over. Take that, Hillary. I'm breathing down your neck, Richardson.The Dodd squad is back.