SPORTS

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February 8, 2008

What could the Pats be perfect at?

The Patriots are perfect no more.

A 17–14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants left the would-be perfect Pats with a record of 18–1, a footnote in the history books.

But let’s not be too harsh.

So, the country celebrated New York’s upset win. So, most people hate the Patriots. But it just wouldn’t be fair to send them home empty-handed. Jake and Jordan teamed up to think of a few consolation events that the Pats might have a better shot at winning, with Jake nominating contestants from the Giants and Jordan choosing the Patriots’ lineup.

Spelling: Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora or Patriots linebacker Mike Vrabel

Jake: Not only does Osi Umenyiora have a super-hot girlfriend, he also can spell “Osi Umenyiora.” Plus, he was born in England, so you know he’s a good speller.

Jordan: With five champions, Akron, OH has produced more Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee winners than any other city. Vrabel is from Akron. It’s in the water.

Hot, famous girlfriend: Patriots quarterback Tom Brady or Giants Umenyiora

Jordan: Giselle Bundchen, Brady’s latest beau, is a Brazilian volleyball-player-turned-supermodel who has been on more than 500 magazine covers, earned $33 million last year, and was named “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by Rolling Stone. Brady takes this one hands down, walking away, by a country mile.

Jake: Jordan thought his Patriots had this one in the bag, with Tom “I-didn’t-know-she-was-pregnant” Brady currently dating Giselle Bundchen. Thank goodness for Umenyiora. Not only did the he notch 52 tackles, 13 sacks, and five forced fumbles, he’s also going out with stunningly attractive Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks. Google her name; it will make you a Giants fan.

Balloon shaving: Patriots former video assistant Matt Walsh or Giants cornerback R.W. McQuarters

Jordan: I’ll take Walsh. Word has it that the illicit video of the Rams’ 2002 pre–Super Bowl walkthrough was remarkably crisp and clear because of Walsh’s steady hands, and steady hands are what this classic party game is all about.

Jake: I would feel obligated to give this event to McQuarters. Maybe just because he has an awesome name. Maybe just because he used to play for the Bears. Maybe because of that T-shirt I saw when I was about 12 that said, “Two-thirds of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by R.W. McQuarters.” I just wish I could get such close coverage. Maybe Gilette should think about putting dreadlocks on their razors.

Academy Award for cinematography: Patriots coach Bill Belichik or Giants defensive end Michael Strahan

Jordan: For innovative use of sideline camera technology, Belichik takes home the Oscar statuette to stick next to his three crystal footballs.

Jake: Alright, so New York hasn’t come out with any award-winning films like the Patriots, but Strahan has displayed unbelievable presence in front of the camera. He’s starred in commercials for Subway, PSP, Snickers, Pizza Hut, and, of course, Right Guard. And who could forget his on-camera brawl with Hollywood legend Tom Arnold?

1972 Dolphins 2007 MVP: Patriots defensive linemen Jarvis Green and Richard Seymour or Giants’wide receiver David Tyree

Jordan: For their efforts to keep the ’72 Dolphins alone in Perfectville, Pats Green and Seymour get to split a magnum of champagne, courtesy of Don Shula and Bob Griese. On third-and-five with just over a minute to go, Green and Seymour couldn’t sack the coattail-riding kid brother of the least mobile quarterback in the league. So long, 19–0.

Jake: The honors have to go to Tyree. His catch with a minute left was one of the greatest plays in the history of the game. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mercury Morris called him up later that night.

Policy debate: Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress or Patriots wide receiver Randy Moss

Jake: Prior to the Super Bowl, Plaxico Burress predicted a 23–17 victory for the Giants. Brady could only laugh, with New York heading into the title game as 14-point underdogs. In the end, though, Burress’s touchdown catch with 35 seconds remaining was a fitting closing to his argument in which he displayed unbelievable foresight and flawless logic, eloquently stating, “We come here to win the game.”

Jordan: Moss once said the 1970 Marshall plane crash “really wasn’t nothing big,” and recently explained his value as a player by saying, “I mean, hell, I’m Randy Moss.” That logic is airtight.

Apple Bobbing: Patriots’ safety Rodney Harrison or Giants’ Tyree

Jordan: Does human growth hormone improve lung capacity? Because if it does, Harrison could take his time underwater and look for an apple with a nice, long stem.

Jake: Bobbing for apples is a tough competition. It takes heart, soul, and most importantly, a huge mouth. I would go with Giants’ tight end Jeremy Shockey, who owns one of the biggest mouths in the NFL, but I think his broken leg and the drunken stupor that he’s been in since the second quarter of the Super Bowl would inhibit his apple-getting abilities. That leaves Tyree. He caught a football with the top of his head; I don’t know that he would even need to use his mouth to pick apples out of a barrel.