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January 12, 2010

Hardcore Curriculum — 1/12/2010


Tom Tian / The Chicago Maroon

How many times will we watch Michael Cera lose his virginity on screen? Now how many of you wish that you were Michael Cera so that you could finally get some? He’s nerdy and socially awkward like U of Cers, yet he’s getting laid left and right, which is probably not the case for most of us. So today we’re going to give you some tips for losing your virginity, and what to do when the moment arrives.

Finding that first partner

Looking and feeling good

An easily identifiable problem on our campus is the lack of caring for one’s appearance. I know that your mother told you that people should like you for who you are, but she was operating under the assumption that you kept up basic hygiene and that your general appearance didn’t make children run away in fright. My mother always told me that other people have to look at you, and it is an insult to them if you don’t look your best, or, at the very least, passable. When you smell good and look good, you’ll feel better about yourself. And trust us, confidence is attractive!

Socializing for success

If you’re still wondering why you haven’t gotten laid, a good question to ask yourself is, “How do I spend my Friday nights?” It’s true that college is a time for meaningful friendships and academic pursuits, but if your Friday nights are wasted away watching reruns of Glee, than maybe you should break out of your social shell a little. It’s time to push boundaries and meet new people. It’s simple math; the more people you know, the greater the chance you’ll find someone to form an emotional and/or physical bond with. Audition for a play, go on blind dates, talk to that attractive girl/guy in your physics lab, etc. Who knows where you could find someone? You’ll never know unless you explore.

Keeping it casual

If you’re getting impatient, something to remember is that being in a relationship is not entirely essential to losing your virginity. If you think you will be comfortable with it, there is no shame in just picking someone to have sex with and going for it. If you don’t want any commitments and just want it over with, don’t let other people’s opinions about losing your virginity affect your first time. However, on a similar note...

Be sure, because guilt sucks

The most important thing is that, when all is said and done, you do not regret your decision. With something as personal as this, buyer’s remorse is a very distinct possibility. So, while you are working up to the momentous occasion, keep asking yourself if you feel comfortable, because once it’s gone, its gone–no take backs, no do-overs. That being said, trust us when we say you’ll know when it’s time.

Setting expectations

While a subscription to Playboy can useful for many nights of masturbatory fun, pornography isn’t a reliable source for how real sex works. Just think of it this way: Losing your virginity is kind of like being at the U of C. It's awkward, it's stressful, and it’s nearly impossible to do it right the first time around. But that shouldn’t stop you from having fun as you give it your best shot.

When the moment arrives

Letting your partner know

Although it may seem to you that everyone and their dog knows that you’re still a virgin, it’s actually a very private matter. There aren’t little lights that appear over our heads once we become sexually active, and unless someone decides to tell you, people will never know. However, when the times comes, you can decide to share that information or not. Some people are really turned on by deflowering someone, and others may turn you down. Personally, I feel as though it’s more appropriate to tell someone before you go to bed with him/her so that they can make an informed decision. Just don’t tell them during the act (awkward, much?).

Keeping it going

Having sex with someone, whether it’s just casual or part of a larger, deeper relationship, is an intimate moment between you and someone else each and every time. If you want to continue having sex, you need to be open to that kind of intimacy.

Now what if you’re in a relationship? Adding sex to a fulfilling relationship is great, but with complicated relationships, sex can just make things messier. Also, keep in mind that you should never ignore your own boundaries in order to please your significant other. Yes, sex is important, but it should only be done when everyone involved is comfortable.

Also, just to be clear, don’t ever make drunk decisions. Your first time should be memorable, not a “Texts From Last Night” post.