“You think it’s easy, but you’re wrong…”

By Tom Zimpleman

Ah, winter quarter at the old U of C–the quarter that they warn you about. If my predecessor Mike Czaplicki was indeed correct to name fall the season of whining, winter can only be the season of melodrama. Hundreds of first-years, recent émigrés from warmer and more fashionable climates, walk around as though the occurrence of freezing temperatures in the major city of America’s upper Midwest had never crossed their minds. Professors–upset that the premier visiting positions at the University of the Virgin Islands went to a trio of goddamn university professors from Harvard (as they do every year)–do their level best to drive away their students during the add/drop period, cancel their classes, and spend their days looking longingly at the tennis courts from the back windows of the Quadrangle Club.

It’s not a particularly ambitious time of year, with the adjective “wintry” being used as a substitute for “sparse” or “minimal,” and snowfall being used as a metaphor for obfuscation–c.f. James Joyce’s description of a snowstorm covering the whole of Ireland in the closing pages of The Dead or George Orwell’s comparison from “Politics and the English Language” of a radical’s choice of words with a soft snowfall blurring the edges of his argument. It’s the time of year when life comes to a virtual halt, when those kids from your house, who planned all the parties and made things “not really so bad here after all” lock themselves in their rooms and shamble down to the communal coffeemaker (which no one will bother to clean until the vernal equinox, by the way), and when you become more and more convinced that a group of graduate students have got to be living in the library.

Everyone now needs to have their metaphorical doors kicked in by some hardy soul who is willing to say, “It’s not that bad out, you knaves!” And that soul would be correct. Yes, perhaps evidence of the illuminating and radiating qualities of the sun is temporarily absent, but it’s floating out there–somewhere–in the cosmos, just waiting to come back in the spring and summer (when everything in Chicago will be too damn hot).

It’s in that spirit that I bring you the latest news of IM basketball (unofficial motto: “As the mercury drops, the action heats up!”)

Week one games are far from complete as this issue goes to press. What follows are those scores recorded in the IM office on Thursday afternoon. If you’re team hasn’t been mentioned, only time is to blame.

In League 1 (Men’s Undergraduate Residence) Henderson defeated Wick House 71-36; Woodward defeated Linn 40-33; and Vincent defeated Hale 50-31, with a last-minute three pointer attempted only by someone wishing to pad the stats.

In League 3 (Women’s Graduate) Orange Pants defeated the not-so-ironically named Wait, What is Basketball 42-14; Apathy, who give every appearance of in fact caring a great deal, defeated Stony Island 37-17.

In League 7 (Women’s Undergraduate Residence) Chicago Soccer defeated The Scoops 50-35; Flint House defeated Theta Kites 26-21; Hitchcock-Snell defeated Wallace by forfeit. (For shame, Wallace House.)

In League 8 (Co-ed) Malpractice defeated Broadview 28-24.

In League 9 (Men’s Graduate) Shock Front defeated Sertoli by forfeit (likewise: for shame, Sertoli); Law School Scrubs defeated No Blood, No Foul 30-20; Flying Insenberghs defeated Law 1 61-44. Given two of the above scores, the law school has the talent evaluation skills of the Cleveland Cavaliers’ front office.

In League 10 (Men’s Undergraduate Residence) Hoover House defeated May House 48-23; Graham defeated Kings of the Court 37-28; the Freshmen Soccer Ballers defeated Henderson B 102-24. Damn.

In League 11 (Men’s Undergraduate Residence) the Compton Fighting Kiwis (who may or may not be from New Zealand, and may or may not be an internationally competitive yachting team) defeated Palmer 45-23; Maclean defeated Chamberlin 48-42; Rickert defeated Hitchcock-Snell 51-48.

In League 12 (Men’s Undergraduate Residence) Flint defeated Coulter 55-17; Team Wallace defeated Dodd-Mead 43-37; Bishop defeated Matthews 34-32.

And now, what you’ve been waiting for–indoor soccer scores. The Mighty Squirrels defeated The Stoichkovs 6-4; The Big Wood defeated Chicontepec Mazacots 6-1; Inter defeated Stony United 7-3; Broadview United (seriously, enough with that joke) defeated Tart 4 What Ab Bob by forfeit. (Was the indoor soccer team just an excuse to sign up under that name?)

No rankings this week, due to the incomplete scores. Relax–Benjamin O’Glasser will be around in this space next week to stroke everybody’s ego.