*Friday*

If you’re anything like me, you leave your extracurriculars around 5:30 am, at which point you and the crew try to come up with ways to kill the hour-and-a-half before Salonica opens. No? Hm. Here at the Maroon, that’s how we spend our Thursday-into-Fridays. Last week we stumbled upon the insanely cheerful, Pixar-on-acid morning kids show _The Save-ums!_ That exclamation point is in the name of the show, by the way. The Save-ums are a wacky crew—Noodle, Ka-Chung, Jazzi, Foo, Custard, and B.B. Jammies—that…lives under the ocean? I think? Cut me some slack; it was dawn. The absurdly cute Save-ums “set an example of good citizenship and the use of available resources to solve problems their world encounters,” according to the TLC website: what they really do is induce non-stop giggles in college students and preschoolers alike.

TLC, 6 a.m.

*Saturday*

What’s up with rappers thinking they should have clothing lines? Puffy? Eve? Nelly? WTF? Because having one clothing line—Vokal—wasn’t enough, Nelly is launching a women’s line, the sensitively-titled Applebottoms. Let’s all take a minute and salute Nelly for his role in helping us see women as more than objects and sex icons…thank you. VH1’s lamely punctuated _(Inside)Out: Nelly: The Search for Miss Applebottoms_ trails the multiplatinum star on his cross-country adventure to find a spokesass for the clothing line that promises to “liberate and celebrate the natural curves of a woman’s body.” Nelly and his team of scientists, including Cara from _The Real World: Chicago_ (what?), carefully examine thousands of gadonkadonks on a six-city model-search, culminating in the crowning of a Miss Applebottoms in Las Vegas. Oh, the pride.

VH1, 8 p.m.

*Sunday*

_Sealab 2021_ is nothing short of an exercise in genius. The 15-minute episodes, the jerky ’70s-remix animation, the lewd jokes, the racial humor, the dolphin boy…_Sealab_ has it all. I have to warn you that _Sealab_ is incredibly addictive, and once you watch one or two episodes, you’re going to feel the need to download every episode, watch them all the time, quote them every day, and sing the theme song. But I digress. _Sealab_ chronicles the underwater misadventures of a crew of marine biologists (or something), who seem not to have a clear mission but are constantly wracked with deep-sea troubles. The troubles include, but are not limited to: their sea station imploding, the resident female’s biological clock going off, alien monsters invading Sealab, a time warp, the captain getting trapped under a soda machine, a blackout, and the Bizzaros invading. Do yourself a favor and catch the 15 funniest minutes Sunday nights have ever known.

Cartoon Network, 10:15 p.m.

*Monday*

Tonight we face the love-reality genre battle of the Joes: _Joe Millionaire_ vs. _Average Joe_. _Joe Millionaire_ reaches its dramatic conclusion tonight as Linda from the Czech Republic and Cat from Germany compete for David from Texas’s heart. And his fake money. TV Guide gets all cryptic on us, saying “Given the show’s history of twists, who knows what the real deal is with Mr. Smith.” Cue the dramatic porn music. My calculus students recommend Average Joe for your weekly dose of disgrace. The premise of this highly intellectual drama: can a sort-of-hot girl fall for dumpy-looking guys? So far, based on the amount of making out, the answer is yes. But the NBC execs got all tricky last week and introduced three new suitors into the mix and—get this—they’re not dumpy-looking. What will Melana do? Please don’t care about this show.

Fox, 7 pm; NBC, 8:30 p.m.

*Tuesday*

You’re probably not going to class tomorrow anyway, so take this opportunity to stay up late and watch some crazy docudrama action. Bravo, home of _Inside the Actors Studio_ and _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_, also developed the outstanding _Cirque du Soleil: Fire Within_, which chronicles Varekai from its auditions to its performances. The series follows a handful of the performers—many of whom are in their “first Cirque”—through grueling rehearsals, strained romantic relationships, stressful critiques, a thrilling opening night, and the first leg of a two-year road trip. If you ever wished you could do a split, swing on a trapeze, juggle four bowling balls, or perform a vaguely homoerotic bungee dance with your twin brother, all while dressed up as an electroclash iguana, make sure to catch these six back-to-back episodes.

Bravo, 2 a.m.

*Wednesday*

Recently, I’ve been wishing that _That ’70s Show_ would tackle more pressing issues rather than it’s tried-and-true sex-and-pot standard. Oh wait, I so haven’t, but it’s sort of trying anyway. Brooke (Shannon Elizabeth as a brainy librarian) dropped the pregga-pregga bomb on Kelso on the last episode, so let’s hope that that plotline wraps itself up tonight. Keep your eyes peeled for Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer Simpson, as an INS agent sent to investigate Fez and Laurie’s marriage. Also, there’s a new Laurie. Whatever, _That ’70s Show_ is far from appointment television—it’s the _Law & Order_ of the sitcom world—but if you find your ass on a couch Wednesday night, there are worse things you could watch.

Fox, 7 p.m.

*Thursday*

If this were an episode of _Sisters_ instead of a TV column, I’d make us go around the table, and everyone would have to say something for which they are thankful. The hot alcoholic sister would say support, the breast cancer sister would say health, the divorced sister would say family, the lame half-sister would say half-family, and then the mom would say something poignant. Then we’d get to me, and I’d say, “the 11-episode _West Wing_ marathon,” and they’d all laugh because Sisters was cancelled way before _West Wing_ hit the airwaves, so that would make me the interesting psychic sister. Oh yeah. You probably have a bunch of family stuff to get done today, but if you’re anywhere near a TV between 10 am and 9 pm, catch some of that whacky White House banter that makes you thankful you’re an American. Or something. Hey, alcoholic sister, pass the wine this-a-way.

Bravo, 10 a.m.