The Uncommon Interview: Steven Smith

By Jen Glickel

For those acquainted with it, The Facebook is a procrastination tool nonpareil. Some students, however, have turned their profiles into ambitious projects. While casually browsing through Facebook profiles of University of Chicago students, the Maroon stumbled upon one student’s profile that stood out. This profile belongs to fourth-year in the College Steven Smith, who had a few things to say about his rather in-depth profile.

Chicago Maroon: You have quite the extensive Facebook profile in which your interests seem to be listed alphabetically, using just about every SAT vocabulary word. What inspired you to dedicate so much time to your profile? Where did you come up with some of the things that you list?

Steven Smith: Honestly, I must say that Myspace is a more appealing website (aesthetically and functionally), for one may use sophisticated HTML editing. It also compensates for the dearth of Adonic Pulchritude on our somewhat illustrious campus.

I would not say that I dedicate hours a day to updating my profile on The Facebook. Rather, it is a gradual process of extension: I may add an interest or two (or 10, 30, etc.) each day, ditto for a favorite movie or music artist. Oh yes, and I must say that my interests are not listed alphabetically, for that would require too much time and effort!

I am not trying to sound pretentious or assume airs…hell, yes I am, everyone else does it here! Anyhow, the lexicon seen on my profile page will never be encountered on such an exam for those who have a relatively inchoate vocabulary. Now if that was not the most U of C thing to say!

More on the subject of the interests that I list, the impetus behind what I have listed are indeed…my interests. I just enjoy conveying these interests in a sui generis fashion. I mean, why list “men who are take-charge” when one may say “Anax Andron,” “procrastination” when one may say “classic cunctation,” “getting out of Chicago,” even, when instead one may say “meandering away from the Malebolge that is Shitcago?” It sounds so much better, even if it is like to everyone else what the Japanese language is to George Bush (I still love you though, ‘W’).

Why not also speak in double-entendres? For example, “belletristic buffs” may kill two birds with two stones: it may connote buff men who are literary buffs…or it may simply mean men who are literary masters.

CM: You say on your profile that you are thought of as narcissistic and that you have an interest in narcissism. How much do you really look at yourself? Do you consider yourself to be narcissistic?

SS: Well, I cannot consider myself to be narcissistic, for that would be silly of me (though I am known to be silly). I would say that I have narcissistic tendencies, as someone else has pointed out to me. I do not want a relationship because people always find a way to disappoint me. Check (i.e. there is one tendency). I also enjoy looking at myself and pulchrifying myself—inter alia—quite often. (Check). I have taken perhaps over 500 pictures of myself, especially since I enjoy taking pictures with my Adorable Dear: My Canon digital camera.

CM: You say that you are a “homophobic homosexual.” How does this work exactly?

SS: Well, I believe that I can start by saying that I am staunchly against gay marriage. (I see my gay friends—few and infrequent as they are—harping at me for such a stance). However, regarding my other explanations, I must plead the Fifth, because I sense a cataclysmic effect upon my view of gays other than myself.

CM: You seem to have quite the interest in the relationship between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. What fascinates you so much about this book?

SS: The fact that these two beloved individuals were indeed opposites at first was very fascinating. As I state in my profile, when opposites attract—or, I should say, when time is required to bring two seemingly opposite individuals into a bond that is infrangible—it just seems more right. Let us look at Beatrice and Benedict in Much Ado About Nothing…Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe in Anne of Green Gables (and Anne of Avonlea). As an aside, I must say that Mr. Darcy is indeed dashing, and his air is beyond hot.

CM: As you are a fourth-year, what are your plans for next year and, more generally, the future?

SS: Many a person inquires after my plans for the future. I have told everyone that I am unsure as to what I will be doing post-graduation. I plan on living in an apartment within proximity of the University of Chicago campus, albeit it will be rather devastating to see other undergraduates while I…will not be of that lot. It has been suggested that I migrate to New York and find a job and live in the City That Never Sleeps…

CM: Anything else you’d like to add?

SS: How morbidly depressing to think that I will no longer be a college boy. Oh yes, and do join the “Procrastinator’s Unite…Tomorrow” Facebook group; it is the greatest group ever (and it is NOT mine)! Most importantly, say “hi” to me sometime!!!! I am one of the school’s two social people!