Now, I know this is nothing unique. Hating Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen is par for the course—the course, obviously, being life itself. However, I am unique because I do not hate the Olsen twins for some ethically justifiable reason. I do not snub them from a moral high ground.

No, I hate them because I am jealous.

Think about it. If I were the Olsen twins, I would have my own line of merchandise at Wal-Mart. If I were the Olsen twins, I could wear my hair both perfectly curly and perfectly straight AT THE SAME TIME. If I were the Olsen twins, I would have a boyfriend. Moreover, I would have TWO BOYFRIENDS. Also, the entire male population would be breathlessly awaiting my eighteenth birthday because, clearly, the minute I turned eighteen I would finally start sleeping with every man in the world.

Don’t tell me the Olsen twins aren’t gorgeous. That’s just your pseudo-morality speaking. You want to believe they are ugly because they are moronic puppets of their production team. But that doesn’t matter. They are as gorgeous as teenage girls can come, and the fact that I am a teenage girl but I am not THEM is a daily struggle.

Here is what the Olsen twins have that I do not: perfect complexions, even smiles, blond hair, flat stomachs, a couple trillion dollars.

Here is what I have that the Olsen twins do not: freckles, a cowlick, a Jewish nose, yellow teeth, a harelip.

Okay, just kidding on that last point. But still. I want to point something out: I look like a PERSON. How come the Olsen twins never look like PEOPLE? Were they, like, selectively bred on a farm or in ice cube trays or something? Seriously. I would like to know.

In case you were wondering, I hate Britney Spears and Lizzie McGuire—sorry, Hilary Duff—for exactly these same reasons.

Speaking of Hilary Duff, have we all noticed how she is REALLY famous now? She’s suddenly on the cover of every teen magazine, talking about her crushes or dietary habits or what-have-you. Her dietary habits, in case you were wondering, are “being Lizzie McGuire.” It makes you pretty fucking thin.

So, now she’s a star and Shia LeBouf is a star. Do you suppose that chick who plays Ren Stevens ever sits around and wonders why she is the Disney Channel’s unappreciated bastard daughter? I always thought she had potential. Also, the gimmick of “Even Stevens” was “We’re Jewish,” whereas the gimmick of “Lizzie McGuire” was merely, “We periodically show cartoon interpretations of Lizzie’s thought processes, even though Lizzie is never more profound than Dick and Jane would be if all their major brain lobes were removed.”

But, again, my opinions of Disney shows and stars go ignored. Probably for the best, because my advice would be, “Only cast girls uglier than me.” This is not an impeccable marketing technique, as far as I can tell.